Shocking new study says most Americans don’t make it past 11AM before cursing!

I’m a man of few vices. I don’t smoke, do drugs, and hardly ever drink alcohol. Sex was a bit of a vice in my younger years, but it’s arguably not much of one now. Eating too much and cussin’ are the only vices I tend to partake in these days and I have plenty of company on both counts.

In fact, according to what I am sure was a rigorous scientific study by the researchers at, uh, 9Round Kickbox Fitness most Americans utter their first curse word by 10:54AM. To which I say, “Pfft! Amateurs!

Dude looks pissed. Or constipated. Hard to tell with stock photos. Either way I bet he’s swearing up a storm.

According to their survey, the reason 1 in 4 Americans can’t get past 9AM without dropping an F-bomb or two, is STRESS:

What the @#$%! Americans can’t get through the day without cursing —

[…] financial worry to be the biggest cause of stress and frustration among Americans (56 percent).

Followed by such time-honored stress-contributors like not getting enough sleep (36 percent), health concerns (35 percent) and work (30 percent).

But some Americans are stressed and frustrated about things that one might not expect.

For instance, one in ten (9 percent) listed the environment as a source of stress and frustration for them and four percent actually said the national deficit stresses them out. A curious three percent said they’ve been stressed about the national deficit within the past week.

The bar is low, as even something as mundane as slow wifi is enough to send 52 percent of Americans into a tizzy of frustration.

Let me just say right here, stress is the least of the reasons I cuss. Sometimes I just fucking feel like it.

Sure, I don’t shy away from swearing up a storm when I’m stressed and frustrated — you just have to watch me play Call of Duty multiplayer for a short time to see that truth borne out — but being upset about something is not a requirement. For me, cuss words are much like parsley on a fancy dinner plate: Totally unnecessary, but a nice garnish to fucking drive a point home.

Out of curiosity, why did the folks at 9Round Kickbox Fitness feel the need to get all scientifical about why people swear?

“People of all ages face stress every day and it can be difficult to find effective and healthy ways to cope,” said Shannon Hudson, CEO and founder of 9Round Kickbox Fitness. “While listening to music or watching TV can be relaxing, one of the best ways to reduce tension is through regular exercise because it improves both physical health and overall well-being. When you are physically and mentally strong, you are better equipped to handle life’s frustrations.”

[…] “We understand busy schedules and limited time constraints that’s why at 9Round we don’t offer set class times,” added Shannon. “Members are welcome to complete our 30-minute kickboxing circuit on their own schedule and get a great, stress-relieving workout seven days a week. Our workouts change daily and you can burn up to 500 calories each session.”

Ah ha! It’s a fucking sales pitch! Feeling stressed? Cussin’ at your kids too goddamned much? Come down to 9Round and learn to KICK THE SHIT OUT OF STRESS!!

They even made a sweet as hell infographic for the article so the folks at the New York Post could pretend they were engaging in real journalism instead of a big ad disguised as journalism which I’m sure they didn’t receive any compensation for from the folks at 9Round Kickbox Fitness. It’s a damned good thing we have companies like 9Round looking out for our moral well being by giving us a way to avoid swearing like a sailor the next time the WiFi goes down.

Unless, you know, you really fucking want to.

If this is true…

… then I’m the most honest motherfucker you’ll ever meet:


Now this is my kind of greeting card: Calligraphuck.

I don’t have a lot of vices, but swearing is one of them. I have developed over the years a fine appreciation for an elegant cuss word sprinkled throughout a conversation. I also can appreciate a well written note, especially when done in calligraphy which is the only form of cursive language I feel is worth learning, but have never taken the time to learn myself. How awesome would it be, though, to learn calligraphy and use it in the fine art of swearing?

With any luck we may soon find out thanks to Linus Boman and his Kickstarter project Calligraphuck:

How fucking cool is that? I’m definitely kicking in a donation on this one. The goal is to raise $5,000 for the first print run and it’s currently sitting at $2,200 with 12 days left to go. Surely we can get him to $5,000 before the deadline, yes? How could we not? Look at how awesome those cards are!

I can certainly think of some wonderful things your mouth can do.

You can’t beat Christian television programs aimed at kids for unintentional hilarity. Take for example this clip about how you shouldn’t cuss or use God’s name in vain. In particular the song plays hell with a corrupt mind like mine:

Setting aside the unintentional humor of it all, I was especially struck by the woman’s statement that we should be respectful of God when speaking of him because “our mouths were made to give him honor and praise.”

Really? Any other uses we might have for it, say eating food to keep us alive or breathing or having meaningful conversations with other humans, all of that is incidental and not really what God was worried about when he slapped our pie holes on our faces? No, our mouths were designed specifically to masturbate God’s ego because he’s so fucking insecure that he has to whip up all of creation just to have some pathetically flawed creatures tell him how amazingly wonderfully amazing he is regularly in hopes he won’t throw them into a fiery pit for all of eternity.  Talk about having an inferiority complex…

But beyond that the other overriding thought while watching this video is: Wow, could these people be any more… struggling to come up with the right word… I kinda want to say “white”, but not sure that’s what I really mean.

It’s like they’re trying so hard to appear squeaky clean that my skepticism sense goes into overdrive. I don’t know of anyone who behaves like any of those people in real life and I’m instantly distrustful of anyone who seems to be trying convince others that they really are that way all the time. I know a few people who are somewhat close to that most of the time, but even they have their bad days where cussing is not only not out of the question, but engaged in liberally.

The really odd thing about this clip is that I don’t really disagree with the idea that little kids should probably avoid cussing until their old enough to do it effectively. At the same time there are times when a kid might cuss that I would totally understand and tolerate because it’s the sort of situation I’d probably cuss in as well. Yeah, that’s pretty vague and arbitrary and is probably a result of my own upbringing more so than any well-thought out moral principle. Still, while I agree with the message, the presentation is just awful.

I suppose it could just be my natural cynicism. I’ve said more than once that motivational posters don’t really work on me because they cause my cynicism to flare up. Perhaps that’s what’s happening when I watch this video clip.

Though you have to admit, it is pretty damned funny.

Stephen Fry on the Joys of Swearing.

It pretty much goes without saying that I’m a cusser — that much is obvious just from the title and tagline of this blog — it’s one of the few vices I have. It’s a habit I’m not at all ashamed of and which I take a certain amount of enjoyment in engaging in. So does Stephen Fry it would appear as he discusses in this clip from the celebration of his 50th Birthday in 2007:

For the record, I do swear to make up for a stunningly small vocabulary. It’s the only way I can sound anything close to eloquent. Fuck.

As found over at Pharyngula.

Swearing appears to lower perceptions of pain. (#Blogathon)

This is another news item that’s been out for awhile and I’ve been meaning to mention it because it deals with a topic near and dear to me: Swearing. For the longest time it was assumed that swearing was a maladaptive response that increased the perception of pain. Then a couple of researchers decided to put that assumption to the test and it appears that the opposite may actually be true:

They recruited 67 undergraduates, and asked to make two short lists of words – one containing five words they might use after hitting themselves on the thumb with a hammer, the other containing five words they might use to describe a table. The participants submerged one of their hands into room temperature water for three minutes, to provide a standardized starting point, then transferred it to a container of cold water and instructed to keep it submerged for as long as they could. In one condition, they were told to repeat the first swear word they had included in their list; in another, they repeated one of the words describing a table.

The researchers measured how long the participants kept their hands submerged in cold water, and asked them to rate the amount of pain they felt. Their heart rates were also recorded after they had submerged their hands in room temperature water as well as after the submersion in cold water. Contrary to their hypothesis, they found that swearing actually reduced the amount of pain felt. The participants kept their hands submerged in the cold water for longer, and also reported experiencing less pain, when they repeated a swear word than when they repeated a word describing a table. Swearing was also associated with increased heart rate.

Granted a good portion of my swearing has nothing to do with being in pain, it’s just one of the few vices I have, but it’s good to know that when I let loose with a stream of invective after stubbing my toe that it’s actually helping me out.

John McCain has quite the temper..,

It seems a new book out called The Real McCain goes into some detail about the Presidential hopeful’s rather infamous temper. In particular it mentions an incident on the campaign trail back in ‘92 when McCain got angry with his wife:

Three reporters from Arizona, on the condition of anonymity, also let me in on another incident involving McCain’s intemperateness. In his 1992 Senate bid, McCain was joined on the campaign trail by his wife, Cindy, as well as campaign aide Doug Cole and consultant Wes Gullett. At one point, Cindy playfully twirled McCain’s hair and said, “You’re getting a little thin up there.” McCain’s face reddened, and he responded, “At least I don’t plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt.” McCain’s excuse was that it had been a long day. If elected president of the United States, McCain would have many long days.

One of my very few vices is swearing, which should be obvious by the name of this site, and “cunt” is one of the few naughty words I don’t tend to use. I have no idea why I find it to be taboo considering some of the other naughty words I use regularly, but it always struck me as being particularly vicious and unnecessary. It falls into the same realm as “motherfucker” for me, which is odd because I’ll use just about every other variation on the word fuck you can think of.

In all honesty of all the things about McCain I could have a problem with the fact that he has a short temper and referred to his own wife as a cunt is pretty low on my list of reasons not to vote for him. That’s why I hadn’t commented on this sooner. Then Spocko sent me the following video clip on this very topic and I found it funny enough I had to share it:

Admit it. You’re going to hear John McCunt every time you see one of his commercials from now on too.