Santa’s helper pole dances during Christmas boat parade. Some folks freak out.

You know you’ve missed a good parade when the news article about it opens up with the following:

Spectators at Saturday’s Boot Key Harbor Lighted Boat Parade in Marathon got an unexpected – and by some, unwanted – display from one of the participating vessels, Neptune’s Love Palace.

Allowing a float sponsored by an organization with the name “Neptune’s Love Palace” is bound to end up pissing someone off and this case is no exception.

A 24-year-old woman aboard the 55-foot cruiser used its mast to perform what onlooker Tami Wile said was basically “a pole dance” as it slowed to be judged by a panel at the Dockside Lounge on Sombrero Boulevard. Wile was upset because several children were on hand watching the annual holiday event.

“This woman is all bent over, totally naked and doing a dance you see in Key West. It was like Fantasy Fest come to Marathon,” Wile, a teacher at Stanley Switlik Elementary School, said. “It was one of the most vulgar things I’ve ever seen.”

As it turns out she wasn’t actually “totally naked,” but rather was wearing a white body stocking. Still there’s no argument that the dance was suggestive and both the owner and the dancer are willing to apologize for any offense they may have caused:

“Her intent wasn’t to do anything vulgar; we didn’t mean to offend anyone. If there is someone I need to apologize to, I will,” Cull said. “We were just trying to support the boat parade and Marathon.”

“I didn’t even realize about the children, but I didn’t think my clothes were like that or I would have never done it. Skeeter asked me to be his Christmas angel and that’s what I did,” the woman, who did not reveal her name, said. “If anybody got upset, we apologize. We were just trying to have fun.”

At this time of year the natural reaction is to forgive, just as Jesus would if he had been present, but folks here have decided to overreact instead:

Marathon resident Glen Martin said he plans to pursue charges against the woman.

“What she did was a felony. This is the birth of Christ we’re celebrating here and you don’t do that when children are watching,” Martin said. He contacted City Manager Mike Puto about the incident.

A felony? He’s got to be fucking kidding, right? Since when is it a felony to dance suggestively in a Christmas parade? I somehow managed to miss that law being passed. Tacky, maybe, inappropriate, perhaps, but a felony?! I do not think that word means what Mr. Martin thinks it means.

Puto told the Keynoter he would investigate at his earliest convenience.

“I will look into it to find out exactly what happened and find out what recourse, if any, we have,” Puto said. “We have to make sure a thing like this doesn’t happen.”

Which means they’ll probably find there’s not a god damned thing they can do about it so they’ll work to pass some stupid ordinance or law to try and prevent it from happening again that’ll end up having unintended consequences sometime later. Your tax dollars at work.

Com’on folks, they said they were sorry. Isn’t that enough?