Dear people who make the product known as Miracle Whip.

I like your product despite the fact that it’s probably one of the more unhealthy condiments in my refrigerator. Growing up I mistakenly believed that your product is what people meant when they said “Mayonnaise” because that’s all I knew. Sure, you have a lot of detractors, but I think you taste damned dandy.

That said, your latest commercial — the “it’s like a party in my mouth” one — does absolutely nothing to make me want to buy your product. You know the one I’m talking about. This one:

No offense to the actor hired to do this spot, but I don’t want to be him and I certainly don’t want to experience whatever the fuck is going on in his mouth. This commercial is worse than being ineffective, it’s negatively effective in that it makes me not want to buy your product because I always feel a little skeevy after seeing this commercial.

I used to feel good about buying Miracle Whip despite the derision it sometimes brings with it. This commercial doesn’t make me feel good about buying it anymore. Please get rid of this commercial soon.

Thank you.

A loyal fan.

P.S. The person who uploaded this video to YouTube is hilariously conspiratorial about the meaning behind it.