True Believers™ in Texas find Jesus on a stick.

No wait, that’s not right. It’s Jesus made of sticks. Or rather in some branches. Just take a look at the picture over on the right and then read this snippet from the news item:

CRYSTAL CITY — Consuelo Sanchez guided her 63-year-old mother, Olga, across the street, pointing to a tree near a fence line.

“That’s the arm,” she said, pointing to a branch yielding to the right. “That’s the other arm.

“See where it’s cut right there, that’s his head.”

The elder Sanchez nodded in agreement.

OK, as an example of pareidolia, this one is pretty pathetic. As is often the case, however, things look a little better in the dark where you can let your imagination kick in (though is it just me or does Jesus look like he has breasts in that night shot?). Even then it looks like Jesus has a flat-top crew cut as is actually doing some form of interpretive dance or something.

Meanwhile the nut casesTrue Believers™ in Texas think they’ve got something truly special in their tree:

“They say something like this doesn’t happen just anywhere,” the 38-year-old daughter said. “To me, it’s a sign.”

Bzzzt. Try again. Not only does this sort of nonsense happen just about anywhere, but one need only pay attention to the newspapers to find out that it happens pretty much all the damned time with all manner of various and sundry objects. Sometimes it even manages to look quite a bit like what we imagine Jesus or the Virgin Mary would look like if they were white hippies instead of dark skinned Jewish desert people.

Ah, but this tree is special because you need to believe to see Jesus in it:

“If you have faith, you see it,” said 44-year-old Lupe Granados, who traveled from nearby Big Wells to see the tree. “If you don’t, you don’t.”

Bzzzt. Strike two. I don’t have faith, but I can see it. I’m just not superstitious enough to chalk it up as some sort of miracle from a god that has nothing better to do with his time than go around placing hidden pictures of himself in random objects.

True Believers™ flock to statue of angry Jesus with sparks in his eyes.

More weirdness from the Christians-with-too-much-time-on-their-hands-and-an-overactive-imagination department. Seems a UK artist has created bronze statue of an angry Jesus brandishing a whip which he calls Cleansing of the Temple for its depiction of a pissed off Jesus laying the smack down on the money changers. All it took was one nut case to turn it into a circus:

Sculptor Burgess said: ‘It began when one woman who saw the statue fell to her knees and began praying.

‘She was transfixed for more than thirty minutes and when she came out of the trance she said she had witnessed sparks coming from the eyes of the Christ figure.

‘Now the word has spread and we have hoards of people coming along to pray and venerate the statue and many of them have said they have witnessed these sparks too.’

I sense an exciting action figure opportunity here: The Pissed Off Jesus with Angry Sparking Eye Action!

 

Another grandmother sees the Virgin Mary in a tree.

Take a close look at the picture to the right—click it for a bigger version—what do you see in it? If you’re 84-year-old Antonia “Toni” Filipertis then what you see is an image of Jesus’ mother. Toni does one better than the last grandmother we talked about who saw images of the Virgin Mary in a random object by claiming not only three different pictures on her tree, but that she received instructions directly from the Virgin Mary on how to find them:

Toni Filipertis began crying twice when she recalled the vision and Mary’s instructions. She was about to get the car out of the garage in order to take her daughter to a doctor’s appointment Tuesday when she heard a voice behind her.

“The voice, she told me to look on your tree,” she related in a Polish accent. “I come out and parked the car in the front and I look on the tree and I don’t see nothing.”

Filipertis said that Mary’s voice was very soft. “She said, ‘Look at your tree. I’m in three places,’ and she was in three places …. And I look in this branch and she was very clear.”

Three stubs of three branches had pictures on them.

Now I don’t know about you, but the only thing I see suggested in that picture is some sort of bodily orifice in a sad state of repair. I’ll leave it to you to figure out which bodily orifice I’m thinking of and just what might be wrong with it as it’s much worse if your imagination is allowed to run rampant with that sort of info. What I don’t see is anything resembling the Virgin Mary. The friggin’ turtle I mentioned in an earlier entry looked more like Jesus’ mom than that tree stub does. What is it with old people and seeing the Virgin Mary?

Anyway, it turns out the VM was saving the best part for last:

“Last night, she (Mary) told me, because I am sick, I don’t have to go outside. She wants me and look through my window and pray to her. I look through the window. She was so beautiful.”

“She had a white vale and blue dress and she looked so beautiful,” she added as she began to cry.

Imagine that. In addition to showing up in three different places on her tree the Virgin Mary then decided to put in a personal appearance just for Toni! She must not have a lot to do up there in Heaven or something. Not that Toni is the only one in her family to be blessed with hallucinations visions of this sort:

It is the second time members of the family have seen a vision. Twins James Filipertis and Dorothy (Filipertis) Fitzgerald saw the Holy Family — Mary, Joseph and Jesus — in the sky on a clear night in 1960 when they were 7 years old. They were with their grandmother.

“I believe my mother,” said Jim, who is retired from Delphi. “I’ve had to live with this my entire lifetime. I have to believe. When I was 7, I saw the apparition. It was a clear night with stars. Figures were moving in front of the moon. It was Mary, Joseph and Jesus. My sister and I swear by it.”

Dorothy Fitzgerald remembers seeing the vision with her brother and grandmother. “We saw Jesus up in the sky. We thought it would come back. Now it’s out on a tree. We saw the whole thing up in the sky. It was gorgeous.”

You don’t suppose the fact that James and Dorothy were 7-years-old at the time might have had anything to do with their ability to see Jesus and his mom and step-dad flying around near the moon, would you? I mean I can clearly recall once seeing Santa’s reindeer and sleigh in the sky when I was only seven and there wasn’t anything you could’ve told me at the time that would’ve convinced me otherwise. That had nothing to do with me desperately wanting to see Santa in the sky, right? Of course not. Because Santa is real, isn’t he? Just as real as Jesus and the Virgin Mary.

Now this is just getting sad and pathetic…

Take a good look at this picture of a turtle:

What do you see? If you’re 81-year-old Shirley McVane of south suburban Burbank you see an image of the Virgin Mary in the underside of the turtle’s shell. That’s what she claims to see anyway:

“I told some of my friends, you know, ‘I got a turtle,’ and I said it has the image of the Virgin Mary on it, and I said it’s getting plainer and plainer, and they said ‘Yeah, Shirley, you’re 81 years old. You think we believe that?’ I said it’s the truth, so now they all believe it,” said McVane.

McVane has since renamed the turtle “Mary” and its tank mate “Joseph.”

That’s just sad. I mean you really have to use your imagination to see an outline of Jesus’ mom in that pattern. I’m going to chalk this one up to the fact that she’s 81-years-old and probably can’t see worth a shit to begin with, but wants to do a little suckin’ up to Jesus before she kicks the bucket. Then when she gets to heaven she can say, “I saw your mom on my turtle. She was very pretty. I told all my friends about it.”

I’m sure Jesus will be pleased.

Snatched from Pharyngula where PZ says he saw something entirely different in the shape.

Put the image of Jesus on your own food with the amazing Jesus Pan!

Are you jealous of all those other people who manage to find images of Jesus Christ in all manner of everyday objects ranging from water stains and trees to their french toast breakfast? Well now you can find the image of Jesus on everything you cook just by using the amazing new Jesus Pan! For only $29.99 you get two pans that have had an image of your personal savior etched into the steel so that when you make your delicious grilled cheese sandwiches or hamburgers you’ll sear an image of Christ onto the surface that’s actually more recognizable than many of the self-portraits Jesus himself has attempted in the past. No longer must you sit back and feel dejected simply because you covet your neighbor’s ability at finding Jesus’ hidden artworks. Below is a screenshot of the actual website. Click it to embiggen.

Note: I have no idea if this is a real product, scam, or just a joke, but I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it were legit.

Jesus has returned and he’s a 35 year-old Hindu woman now.

Bet you never saw this one coming, eh?

DURBUN: A Hindu woman has said she is Jesus Christ and claims to have the “stigmata of Jesus” on her palms, feet and stomach, as well as the power to heal the sick.

Katherine Jhawarelall, 35, who has a degree in criminology, said that she was born with the stigmata and also claimed that Hebrew scriptures and religious symbols from the Bible appear on the walls of her home, an international daily reported.

She was quoted as saying that she was initially startled “but eventually came to realize and accept who she was.”

Yeah, I’d imagine suddenly realizing you’re not really a female Hindu criminologist, but the second coming of Christ would be just a teeny bit startling. I bet there’s going to be a lot of pissed off old rich white Christian Evangelists out there once they realize the prank Jesus has pulled on them now!

Jesus takes a nap in a tree. Religious people bug him for autographs.

The True Believers™ are once again crowding around in public for a chance to stare at yet another inanimate object that they think they see the face of Jesus in. This time it’s a tree in front of a company in Rochester, NY that will eventually be the focus of claims of spontaneous healing and miraculous visions.

“I see it clearly,” said Yomaira Otero of Rochester, who stood in the pouring rain Tuesday with six members of her family to see the tree. She spoke in Spanish to her relatives and pointed out the facial features, including the beard of bark she saw. “He looks like he’s sleeping.”

He’s not sleeping, he’s ignoring you. He’s been trying to find a nice spot to take a break and every time he thinks he’s found it some idiot shows up and turns it into a media circus on him. Then the nutcases have to start spouting off what they think this sudden appearance means:

“It’s a sign from God that there should be peace,” said Maria Trinidad, who lives on Clifford Avenue. “There is a lot of crime here. People should have faith in God. This is God giving us a sign.”

Yeah, God wants peace… peace and fucking quiet! He’s trying to TAKE A FRIGGIN’ NAP FOR CHRISSAKE! The sign is DO NOT FRIGGIN’ DISTURB!

Fortunately there was at least one person who had the presence of mind to question what he thought he was seeing in the tree…

Jim Holtz, 54, of Greece, said he noticed the image Monday when he stopped in the Cash King pawn shop directly across the street from Hickey-Freeman.

“I was looking out that way as I usually do and saw that on the tree,” Holtz said. “I said, ‘Am I seeing things?’”

Yes Jim, you are seeing things. You’re seeing a tree with a bark pattern that your brain is attempting to make sense of by comparing it to common icons in your life and, in the great tradition of all nutcases, it’s decided to associate it with a mythical religious figure because that’s what you folks always do. If some of it didn’t resemble a beard in your mind then it would’ve been the Virgin Mary instead of Jesus.

A pic of the tree is in the upper right corner of this entry and you can click it for a bigger picture if you’re curious. Of the various examples of this nonsense this one is pretty weak in my opinion. It could just as easily look like a representation of Mario Van Peebles’ face to me. At least once I finally managed to figure out what the hell they were looking at as it’s pretty vague. If it’s Jesus then he’s got one helluva skin condition.

He’s A Real “Down To Earth” Kind Of Guy

I know it’s Les’ and not my usual post subject (I’m actually still trying to figure out what my usual post subjects are) but I wanted to pass on this recent Jesus sighting. It’s a Google map of his image or at least it seems to be an actual result of light and shadow and not a photo-shopped piece.

Peruvian Sand Dune Photo

And here’s a close up of the same image.

It just goes to show that if Google can’t find Jesus for you, he can’t be found at all.

Jesus Christ shows up in man’s bathroom. Man tries to auction him on eBay.

Jesus must be a bit of a pervert as his latest appearance is as a water stain in a Pittsburgh, PA bathroom where he stares directly at the tub and whoever’s in it. Now the owner of the tub hopes to skip the whole hordes-of-people-come-to-stare-and-claim-miracles bit and get right to the cashing-in-on-it bit by offering the stain up for auction on eBay.

I got out of the shower today and yelled, “Jesus Christ!” and my girlfriend asked me, “Oh my God what is it?” I pointed and responded, “No – Jesus Christ!”

Attached are actual photos of what I was pointing at. (sorry, Mom – I ended a sentence with a preposition, I know.)

No, these photos are not doctored.
No, these photos are not staged.

Auction winner will receive a section of plaster wall bearing the apparent face of the Son of God. No other items, promises, tidings, or guarantees are included.

Successful, winning bidder is responsible to arrange and negotiate removal and replacement of wall section at their own cost, subject to prior arrangement. Please contact seller prior to bidding with any questions.

Can’t say I blame him. If Jesus suddenly made an appearance in any water stains I happened to be the owner of I’d see if I couldn’t sell him off on eBay as well. If there’s people willing to buy Virgin Mary Cheese Sandwiches then surely there must be a marker for Jesus Christ Water Stains. Though I think he’s being optimistic with a starting price of $1999.

You can see much larger pics at the link I provided above if you’re interested, but if you ask me the water stain looks more like some random stoner than Jesus Christ.

Jesus makes in appearance in apartment window.

Apparently unable to get booking on a local tree or bagel, Jesus has had to resort to making his latest appearance on a Fort Worth, Texas apartment building window and the religious nutjobs are already out in full force to claim all manner of miracles:

As word spreads about the image, people are flocking to the window, looking for signs of a miracle. Many claim they are finding it.

“I was just touching around to see if I felt anything, and I saw my hand,” said Mary Castillo, who has been blind for years. “Then my husband went up there with me and I saw his hand.”

Castillo said that her vision has started to be restored. She said she saw her 9-year-old granddaughter clearly for the first time.

I’ve spent a couple of minutes staring at this picture and this time I’m completely unable to make out what these people are seeing. To me it looks vaguely like Iron Man’s helmet or something along those lines. You’d think Jesus’ artistic skills would improve with practice, but appears he’s only getting more and more vague with each attempt. You’d think he’d just get Michaelangelo or someone to do it for him.