If Jesus tells you to take your hands off the wheel while driving at high speeds, don’t listen to him.

Jesus is known for being a bit of a practical joker and is always pulling pranks on people. Like the time he pretended to “die” and then showed up three days later just so he could freak out his mom, but this time his prank could’ve gotten someone seriously hurt.

Chad O. England, the latest target of Jesus’ weird sense of humor.

It seems Jesus thought it would be funny to call upon 33 year old Chad O. England of Tennessee while the poor sap was speeding along I-81 and tell him to close his eyes and let go of the wheel so Jesus could take over. You know, as a kind of co-pilot or something. Except Jesus didn’t take the wheel which resulted in Chad’s 2015 Toyota Tacoma truck veering off of the freeway and flipping over five times while bouncing off a rock wall before coming to rest in the emergency and right lanes of the road.

Driver: Jesus advised to ‘let go of the wheel’

“He said that Jesus was calling him and advised him to let go of the wheel, and that’s what he did,” the report states. “He stated that he did not take off running, he was ‘being called and was traveling to bow before someone.’ He also stated he was not driving, but he was behind the wheel.”

Officers searched the wrecked truck and located about six grams of marijuana, a vial of white powder residue, which the driver identified as cocaine, the report states. The officers also said they found a couple partial pipes, rolling papers, a nearly empty bottle of alcohol and “huffing” cans.

Ha ha! What a joker! To be fair, Jesus was looking out for Chad as the man did make it through what is an impressively major crash with no injuries to speak of. However, he is going to need a new truck.

Now some of you might doubt this man’s claims because of the drugs found in his vehicle, but given what we know about Jesus’ fondness for pranks — is there a food item he hasn’t drawn a crude picture of himself and/or his mom onto? — I think it’s wrong to doubt the truth of Mr. Chad’s claim. After all, we know Jesus talks to people all the time.

Hell, he recently told respected Texas Judge Jack Robison that a woman on trial for allegedly trafficking a teen girl for sex was innocent and as such the Judge had no recourse other than to inform the jury that they should find her not guilty.

Judge Jack Robison apologized to jurors for the interruption, but defended his actions by telling them “when God tells me I gotta do something, I gotta do it,” according to the Herald-Zeitung in New Braunfels.

The jury went against the judge’s wishes, finding Gloria Romero-Perez guilty of continuous trafficking of a person and later sentenced her to 25 years in prison. They found her not guilty of a separate charge of sale or purchase of a child.

I bet Jesus is pretty pissed with those jurors right now. At least the Judge can rest easy knowing that he did his duty in passing along the message.

Hopefully Jesus will return to some of his tamer pranks that don’t result in people losing their means of transportation and, for that matter, their freedom. Like when he told several different Republican presidential candidates that he wanted them to be President of the United States only to turn around and put a man wholly unqualified and disinterested into the office instead.

Man, is Jesus a cheeky monkey or what?

Bored with trees, telephone poles, and tacos, Jesus shows up on Walmart receipt.

Looks more like Mohammad to me. Click to embiggen.

So here we go again with Jesus showing up in a random inanimate object. This time it’s a receipt for Walmart which Jacob Simmons and Gentry Lee Sutherland just happened to notice appeared to have a face on it after being tossed on the floor and walked on.

The following Wednesday, the couple had just come home from a church service when Simmons spotted the receipt on the floor of Sutherland’s apartment. He says the receipt had changed.

“I was leaving the kitchen and I just looked on the floor, and it was like it was looking at me,” Simmons said.

A dark gray mark on the receipt seems to show two eyes, a nose and a mouth in a thickly bearded face.

“Then the more you look at it, the more it looked like Jesus, and it was just shocking, breathtaking,” Simmons said.

via Couple Sees Jesus In Walmart Receipt – Greenville News Story – WYFF Greenville.

You can see a pic of the miracle receipt over there on the right. I see a face, but it doesn’t look all that Jesusy to me, or at least it’s not the traditional Anglo-Saxon depiction most folks flip the fuck out over. Perhaps that means it really is Jesus! If it is, he has one seriously fucked up nose. And that left ear! How far back is that thing located on his head??

But this is no ordinary couple of religious folks blindly accepting what their eyes are showing them. No, they did some research to ensure it was the Real Deal:

Simmons said he called the store to ask what could have made the mark.

“They said the only way you could really get it black was to put heat on it,” Simmons said.

The couple says they did nothing to make the face appear on the receipt.

“We just feel like it’s a blessing that God showed it to us and opened our eyes. And we just feel like we should share the blessing God gave to us to everybody else,” Sutherland said.

Because the clerks at Walmart are experts on pareidolia. Just looking at the picture I’d be willing to bet water was involved combined with a little pressure from someone walking on it.

But assuming it is Jesus, I again have to ask just what the nature of the blessing is supposed to be? What, exactly, does a crude image of Jesus on a Walmart receipt bestow on someone other than an opportunity to be an attention whore? Has it cured them of cancer or caused an amputated limb to regrow? Or is it just a warning that God is closely monitoring their purchasing habits? Perhaps he disapproves of them shopping at Walmart, but they’re misinterpreting what it’s supposed to mean!

Someone should warn them. That God fellow can be tricky at times.

Look! It’s a pole! It’s a plant! IT’S JESUS CHRIST!

He photosynthesized for your sins...

What do you see when you look at the picture on the right? I see a telephone pole being slowly choked to death by Kudzu, a particularly troublesome plant native to Japan and China that has been clogging up the American South since 1876.

But if you’re Kent Hardison then you see the Son of God:

Kent Hardison, who runs Ma’s Hotdog House less than a half mile from the pareidolia, rides by the Christ-resembling post each day. He said when he first saw the kudzu growing he almost sprayed it with herbicide.

“I glanced at it, and it looks like Jesus,” Hardison said. “I thought, ‘You can’t spray Jesus with Roundup.’ ”

via Plant growth on telephone pole resembles Jesus | jesus, pole, kudzu – Kinston Free Press.

Relax, Kent, if it’s really Jesus then he’ll be back in three days anyway.

Seriously, the standard for what counts as a vision of Jesus has really gone down hill if this is enough to get people all excited. If you want to be charitable then you might say it resembles a cross, but even that’s stretching it. Looks more like a dagger with a broken handle if you ask me.

Hardison said he shook off the likeness of Jesus the first time he noticed the utility pole growth.

“I just thought it was my imagination,” he said. “I thought I was crazy the first time I saw it and it resembled Jesus.”

It is just your imagination. It’s a fucking plant on a fucking pole and you are crazy if you thinks it’s anything more than that. Much like this lady:

Michelle Davis, who lives in Sandy Bottom, said she first noticed the pole last Thursday, after her husband told her about it.

She called the kudzu Jesus “ironic,” considering crime levels throughout the county.

“Maybe it’s a sign of the times,” she said while picking up lunch at Ma’s. “There’s been a lot going on in this area.”

Hardison agreed, “Maybe he’s looking out for us.”

Really? He’s looking out for you by arranging an invasive plant in a vaguely cross-like shape on a random telephone pole? What is it supposed to be? A divine attempt at a ghillie suit? “They’ll never see me watching them from up here in these vines!”

Surely Jesus could come up with a more effective way of helping with the crime problem in that area. Or so you’d think if that was really him. I say we soak it in Roundup and see if it comes back to life in three days. It’s the only way to be sure.

Jesus and his Mom team up for appearance on pizza pan.

Josh Mather feels he’s had a miracle occur in his life. He and his brother used to own a sports bar, but they had to close it down due to the bad economy. They ended up storing some of the cooking utensils in a garage and promptly forgot about them until the day before this past Ash Wednesday when Josh saw this:

The Holy water stains made manifest.

“I think it’s amazing, actually,” he said. “I don’t know, it’s spiritual. The way I see it, it’s Jesus on the left, and on the right I would believe it to be Mary.”

[…] “As I opened the two garage doors, this image was right on the left door, looking at me in the face,” he said. “It totally stopped me.”

Then he says his life changed.

“When it truly hit me, it took my breath away,” he said. “It was just – it was amazing.”

via WHDH-TV – Mansfield man: holy image appeared on baking tray.

It seems Josh hadn’t been to church in 20 years, but after seeing how Jesus had ruined one of his unused baking pans he felt it was time to return to the fold before the pair started wrecking stuff in his kitchen:

“Wasn’t really a believer, I saw this, I went on Ash Wednesday and got my ashes,” he said. “It was the first time in 20 years I walked into church on my own.”

Something that he says is a ray of hope, in tough economic times.

“It’s one of those things they say you’re going to get a sign at some point, and all of a sudden it’s there,” he said. “I don’t know how to say it happened, I don’t know if it will ever be explained.”

Holy Christ on a cracker, it’s a water stain. If it’s a sign of anything it’s that your garage roof may have a leak and you might want to do a better job of cleaning your pans. Seriously, if this is all it took to send you running back into your local church then I have a hard time accepting the idea that you weren’t “really a believer.” You were just lazy.

Jesus takes time out from destroying Japan to show up in a tree.

That Jesus fellow is very busy, but never so busy that he can’t appear in some random object:

Pic of tree that supposedly has image of Jesus on it.

The bearded wonder in all his glory.

MCLEAN, Va. — The Norton family says an image of Jesus is engraved in a tree in their front yard, right where a limb once was.

“I noticed the hair and then the beard and then it came together,” said 12-year-old Bella Norton.

“I think that is Jesus,” said Bella’s mom, Lamya Norton.

[…] “It’s a sign that we’re all safe and it’s, everybody is loved in our family,” said Bella.

Norton says she even called her priest.

“Of course, my priest reminded me maybe it’s a reminder you should be coming to church more,” she said.

via Family sees Jesus – in a tree! | wtsp.com.

I dunno. Looks more like a Predator to me. Perhaps they should be less concerned about going to church and more concerned with setting some traps and covering themselves in mud to hide from the impending arrival of alien hunters. There are several very fine documentaries available on how to fight the Predators which they may want to review.

Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus team up for appearance on tortilla.

Usually when making public appearances these two tend to go solo, but this time they decided to team up for the ultimate venue: a tortilla!

A Starr County family is wondering if a miracle took place in their kitchen on Tuesday afternoon.

Short answer: No.

Melinda Solis told Action 4 News that she was warming up flour tortillas for her teenage sons after school around 4 p.m. Tuesday.

Solis said she was spreading out the cooked tortillas when her mother noticed something unusual.

One of the tortillas had a large brown spot that resembled the Virgin Mary holding the Baby Jesus.

Don’t believe them? Just look at this side-by-side comparison:

Pic of Virgin Tortilla next to old painting of Jesus and his Mom.

Actually, when you really look at either picture closely, they both seem a little... phallic.

How can you not see that this is the work of an all-powerful God with a message which he feels is best distributed on semi-burnt bread-like food? What other possible explanation could there be?

The La Grulla area woman said they are not sure if they are going to call a priest just yet.

“It’s safe as long as I keep it away from my sons…as long as I keep it away from butter,” Solis said.

For as we all know, the only vulnerability Jesus and his Mom have are to teenage boys armed with butter!

Jesus Christ banned from Belchertown Public Library.

No, I’m not making this up. There really is a place named Belchertown and apparently the library there hates Jesus Christ:

The Sept. 8 order issued by the Library Board of Trustees warns Jesus Christ will be subject to criminal charges if he appears in the library again.

Jesus Christ said Tuesday he has contacted a lawyer and is planning to sue the public library for discrimination.

Interviewed in his apartment, which is less than a half-mile away from the town library, Jesus Christ said that all he can conclude is he is being targeted by the library because of who he is.

“I’m black, I’m transsexual and my name is Lord Jesus Christ,” he said.

Do they have a picture of Jesus Christ? You damn well better believe they do:

Pic of Lord Jesus Christ III

It's certainly a new look for the Lord and Saviour.

So just what did Jesus do to get himself banned?

He said Jesus is always asking staff at the desk and other patrons for tissues, pencils or other things.

“Often times he would try to put himself in the personal space of others,” he said.

If someone was at the desk talking to the librarian, Jesus Christ would cut in front of the person and begin asking the librarian questions, Maloney said.

“He was very rude,” Maloney said.

Maloney said he talked to Jesus Christ several times about his manners, and he would be fine for a day or two and then it would start all over again.

“We did the best we could. The library is not a place we want to kick people out of,” he said.

Asked how many people have been banned in his 21 years as director, Maloney said “Lord Jesus Christ is the first – and I suppose I’m going to burn in hell because of it.”

Indeed you are, Maloney. Indeed you are.

Now he’s just showing off: Jesus found in fingerprint and lung X-ray.

Pic of Jesus in thumbprint.

Jesus knows where your thumb has been!

It’s been awhile since we’ve had any stories about images of Jesus showing up in odd places so here’s two such stories to make up for it. First, Jesus took the time to freak out an 8th-grader:

Austin Coleman says he found Jesus on his thumbprint. He says he put the thumbprint on a piece paper for a school science project then stepped back and noticed the resemblance. He admits, “I got a little freaked out.”

You can see the picture to the left here. It took me a moment to see the face as I was busy looking at where the arrow was pointing and not realizing it’s actually in the middle of the print.

Doesn’t look like any depictions of Jesus I’ve ever seen, but then it barely registers as a face to me.

Pic of Jesus in MRI.

I'm sorry sir, but you have a terminal case of Jesus lung.

As if that wasn’t enough, Jesus also took the time to show up in some poor dude’s chest x-ray:

Images from a thoracic spine examination by Christopher Vittore and Kevin Tribble, radiologists in Rockford, Ilinois and clinical assistant professors at University of Illinois College of Medicine. MRI technologist, Deb Savala assisted with the technical data. This was performed on an open MRI machine, a General Electric Signa 0.35 Tesla MRI scanner. (Details: 40 x 40 cm field of view, sagital plane, frequency 256, phase 128, image slice thickness 5 mm with 2mm skip interval, no phase wrap.)

You can see that image on the right. The face is a bit easier to see here than the fingerprint, but, again, it doesn’t look all that much like Jesus to me. Mohammed maybe, but not Jesus.

Oh wouldn’t that be awesome if an image of Mohammed showed up in some big anti-Islamic preachin’ televangelist’s lung? Now that would be some serious irony.

Holy shit! Virgin Mary shows up in bird crap!

Pareidolia comes in all shapes and sizes and mediums including, apparently, bird shit. A gentleman by the name of Salvador Pachuca down in Byran, Texas was about to wash his truck when he spotted the bird shit on the side mirror and thought that it resembled the Virgin Mary.  His immediate reaction as a good Catholic was to declare this bird shit a miracle and invite all his friends and family to come see it.

You’d think they’d laugh at his foolishness for proclaiming bird feces to be a divine miracle, but then you would be grossly underestimating how seriously some people take their shit:

“As soon as I looked at it, it just gave me chills all over my body,” said one woman who came to see the image. “I was like, I just couldn’t believe it.”

“It’s the Virgin of Guadalupe,” explained Cristal Pachuca. “It’s just something special to us and she’s the one who appears when a miracle happens.”

When asked whether he felt protected, Salvador Pachuca answered, “Yes.”

“We just all feel protected,” continued Cristal Pachuca. “It’s a blessing to our family and to everybody that comes to see it.”

The family plans on saving the bird dropping. “I think we’re going to just put it on a shelf outside,” said Cristal Pachuca. “Probably take off the mirror and keep it there because it’s something special to us. I’m not going to wash it off.”

So what does this amazing bit of bird crap look like? Here you go:

Maybe it says something about me, but what I see in that picture is a vagina and not the Virgin Mary. Now I like vaginae as much as the next heterosexual guy, but I’d still wash the damn mirror off and get on with my life regardless of whether I saw a vagina, or the Virgin Mary, or even if I saw the Virgin Mary’s vagina (now THAT’d be a cool pareidolia) because I’m sure the last thing the Virgin Mary would want is me expending money to replace a perfectly good mirror simply because she decided to flash her privates on it.

Though I suppose there may be a market for images of the Virgin Mary’s vagina on eBay…

That Jesus guy is everywhere!

This is a compilation of various news reports on Jesus and/or his mom showing up in random objects:

Couple of things struck me as I watched this. First is the fact that it doesn’t take much for a True Believer™ to declare something as being a miracle. Finding a rock that vaguely resembles Jesus is enough to qualify. Second is how many of these video clips are from news stations in the south. Now that could possibly be due to the person putting it together only having access to clips from the south, but given the higher level of religiosity in the south it’s easy to assume that it’s entirely representative of what they’re focused on down there.