Category Archives: Ouch

SEB PSA: Penis vanity can kill you.

Posted on by
6

I never cease to be amazed at the lengths (pardon the pun) people will go to to have a bigger dick. Especially considering that the vast majority of them carry a lot of risk for very little (and often temporary) gain. Herbal supplements, surgery, weights, you name it and someone has probably tried to use it to make their wang bigger.

All of those things can cost big bucks in the long run and with today’s economy in the dumps some folks are apparently trying to find cheaper alternatives to penile improvement. There’s a growing trend of holding “pumping parties” where too often things end badly:

Justin Street visited Kasia Rivera, 34, at her home in New Jersey for the penis enhancement proceedure on May 5, prosecutors say.

But just a day after attending the so-called ‘pumping-party’ the 22-year-old was dead.

Street suffered a clot to the lungs and died. A medical examiner determined he died of a silicone embolism.

Ms. Rivera is not a licensed medical practitioner and the silicone used most likely was not medical grade. Silicone not in a container (like breast implants) can migrate through tissue causing damage requiring surgery or, as in this case, the bloodstream where it can cause dangerous clots.

Perhaps you’d be better served with a bit of counseling to overcome your self-image problems. After all it’s not the size of the ship, but the motion of the ocean that gets the job done.

My life may not be perfect, but at least I haven’t had THIS happen to me.

Posted on by
6

Vanity can be a dangerous thing. Some of the stuff people do to try and look younger is often silly and can come with some unconsidered risks. Take, for example, bathing with eels to remove dead skin:

Thinking that the eels would make him look ten years younger, Nan dived into the water and let them feast upon layers of dead skin.

But after laying in the spa bath, Nan felt a sharp pain and realised a small eel was working its way up his urethra and into his bladder.

‘I climbed into the bath and I could feel the eels nibbling my body. But then suddenly I felt a severe pain and realised a small eel had gone into the end of my penis,’ the 56-year-old from Honghu, Hubei province said.

Oh yeah, that would definitely ruin my day. I’ll leave out the photograph of the eel from the original article, but you can see it at the link above if you’re really that curious.

It took three hours of surgery to remove the six-inch eel from the man’s bladder where, fortunately, it had already expired thus limiting the damage done. Still I’m sure it’s a traumatizing experience which probably isn’t helped by the fact that all his friends will forevermore refer to him as “eel dick.”

This is why I try to keep my sense of vanity as low as possible. I do the basic grooming stuff like bathing, shampooing what little hair I have, using deodorants, etc., but I don’t bother with worrying about how wrinkly I’m getting or whether I’ve used the proper amount of moisturizer on my skin. I’m getting old and I look like I’m getting old and I don’t really give a damn that I look like I’m getting old. Looking younger is just not worth having some tiny animal try to crawl it’s way up inappropriate orifices in ways both painful and embarrassing.

Bad: You and your girlfriend are robbed. Worse: Robbers introduce your girlfriend to your wife.

Posted on by
4

Ha ha!

Talk about adding insult to injury:

The robbers forced the man into a waiting vehicle, and two of the robbers got into the pickup truck with the woman, Miami police said. The masked men used flex cuffs to bind the man’s and the woman’s wrists and drove them to the man’s house on Northwest 14th Street in Miami, according to investigators.

When they arrived at the house, police said they found the man’s wife, his mother and two children in the home.

Police said the robbers tied up the whole family, beat up the man, roughed up his wife and then took jewelry and money from the home. The men took off with thousands of dollars in cash and jewelry, Miami police said.

Before leaving, the robbers brought the man’s girlfriend into the home and introduced her to his wife, according to investigators. The robbers then left them all together in the house and took off.

via Kidnappers Introduce Victim’s Girlfriend To Wife – Miami News Story – WPLG Miami.

While I don’t condone the violence and robbery done to the man, his mistress, and his family, I do have to admit to feeling a certain amount of Schadenfreude over his unfortunate experience.  It’s hard to feel sorry for the guy’s plight given what an asshole he is though it was also a dick move on the part of the robbers to make things even worse for him. I suppose if you’re going to be enough of an asshole to rob and kidnap people to begin with then exposing their infidelity is probably just icing on the cake for you.

Now that I think about it, I just posted an entry about a man being an asshole to his neighbor over his cancer which I guess is an extreme form of Schadenfreude as well. Am I wrong to call that man an asshole for his glee over his neighbor’s misfortune only to laugh at the man in this news item?

 

If you’re going to commit suicide, at least be considerate of others.

Posted on by
5

We don’t condone suicide here at SEB — we think life is just to damned interesting to cut it short — but we do recognize that some folks are in situations where it may be a reasonable decision to make.

If you’ve made the decision to check out early please be considerate of the folks who will have to deal with the aftermath and let someone know. Like this fellow did:

At about 8:15 a.m. the 74-year-old man called 911 to report “he had a suicide,” according to the police report.

When a dispatcher asked for more information, he replied, “Hold your ears,” then the dispatcher heard a gun discharge, according to the report.

Though to be fully considerate, perhaps you should also pick a method that isn’t quite so messy. Or, if it’s the only option, do it someplace that’s relatively easy to clean up. Plus I’m sure the neighbors would appreciate not having to deal with the lingering smell of an undiscovered body.

Well this is a novel way to get your ass run over.

Posted on by
2

It’s probably safe to say that Benjamin Keyser is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Seems he was riding as a passenger in a F350 Ford Truck with a moon roof when he thought it’d be hilarious to climb out of said moon roof while the truck was in motion:

“He immediately lost his balance, slid down the windshield and front hood … and the truck ran him over,” said State Police Capt. Scott Brown.

[…] The other three occupants of the truck put Keyser, 23, back in the truck and drove him to the Chatham Rescue Squad headquarters where he received emergency medical care before a New York State Police helicopter transported him to Albany Medical Center.

He remains there in serious condition as of press time. Keyser broke a femur and suffered facial and bodily injuries, according to authorities.

via The Register Star Online > Joke gone wrong lands man in hospital.

He’s lucky that’s all he suffered from. Seriously, how stupid do you have to be to think this is a good idea?

“It appears that alcohol played a part in this accident,” he said. “The victim had consumed alcohol just before this happened.”

Ah, you have to be stupid drunk to think this is a good idea. Of course the real question here is: Do you think he learned anything from this?

Man looking for a “portal to hell” stabs a couple of old ladies in New Jersey.

Posted on by
4

No idea if too much religion or just too many drugs are to blame for this incident so I’ll let it speak for itself:

UNION, N.J. — A man who claimed he was seeking the “portal to hell” repeatedly stabbed two women early Friday after they noticed misplaced items in their backyard and opened the door to a shed where he was staked out, law enforcement officials said.

A neighbor jumped a fence after hearing the women scream and hit their assailant, 25-year-old Morgan Mesz, in the head with a baseball bat, ending the attacks, authorities said. The two women were seriously hurt.

Mesz was charged with three counts of attempted murder and was being held on $1.5 million bail. Authorities did not know if Mesz had an attorney, and a phone number for him could not be found.

via Police: Man Seeking ‘Portal To Hell’ Stabs 2 – News Story – KXLY Spokane.

Considering he was in New Jersey, you’d think he’d be looking for a portal out of hell. Ba dump dump tsshhh!

Always remember that your life could be much worse…

Posted on by
2

… you could be one of these poor saps:

Sure I may not have excelled in the past year and might have been unemployed for awhile, but at least I didn’t do a face plant while trying to show off in some stupid fashion. Some of these had me grabbing my balls in sympathy pain.

SEB Safety Tip: Life doesn’t have a reset button.

Posted on by
8
Pic from the video game Frogger.

Kinda like this, but more painful.

Look, I’m as big a video game nerd as the next one, but even I know that it’s a bad idea to try and recreate a video game in real-life:

CLEMSON, S.C. — Clemson police said a game ended up with a 23-year-old man struck by an SUV.

Emergency crews were called to the intersection of Highway 123 and College Avenue at about 9 p.m. Monday.

[…] Investigators said they later determined that the man and his friends were talking about playing a game known as “Frogger.”

[…] Police said before he was hit, the 23-year-old yelled “go” and darted into oncoming traffic where he was struck by a 2010 Lexus SUV.

There’s a reason Frogger is just a video game and not an organized sport and it’s nothing to do with the fact that you play a frog. This potential Darwin Award winner managed to luck out, however, and wasn’t killed by the SUV.

Though one would hope it knocked a little sense into him.

SEB Safety Tip: Clogged snowblowers should be cleaned with a stick, not your hand.

Posted on by
5
Pic of snowblower warning.

OM NOM NOM NOM NOM!

Unlike the previous SEB safety tip, this is one that some folks might need to be told about.

If you have a snowblower and it gets clogged on heavy snow, which they are wont to do, you should never stick your hand into the chute to clear the clog. That’s a lesson this poor kid learned the hard way:

At 14, Kenny McGill was a veteran snowblower user, taking on the task of cleaning off the driveway and sidewalk of his family’s Plainfield home for the last three years.

So his mother, Sheila McGill, was shocked when she got a call Dec. 10 saying the teen had mangled his hand while doing the job.

Kenny lost half of his index finger, and surgeons had to reconstruct the middle finger of his right hand. He told his parents he used his hand to clear clogged snow out of a collector chute, and an unseen blade caught it, his mother said.

The teen faces physical therapy and a long healing process.

via Snowblowers offer winter help, but blades pose hazard – Chicago Breaking News.

Most of the bigger snowblowers will come with a tool specifically for this purpose, but if yours didn’t then improvise with something other than your hand and turn the damned thing off before trying to unclog it.

Sure that means you have to start it back up again, but at least you’ll have all your fingers to yank on the starter cord with.

When Christmas Pageants attack! Next on FOX!

Posted on by
3

A lot of Christian churches go all out for Christmas and do their best to bring the myths legends alive for their congregations. Often this involves making use of live animals in a Nativity scene or skit, which is fine when you’re doing it outdoors, but a lot trickier when you move it indoors:

Don’t be mad at the camel, he was just trying to do the right thing and sit in a pew like all the other congregants.

Can you imagine being killed in church from having a 1,100 pound camel falling on you and then having to explain that to Saint Peter at the pearly gates? If God does exist he has a twisted sense of humor.

Via Camel in church — Chez Oswell.