“I Don’t See Any Candy. I Don’t Taste Any Candy. Your Jesus Didn’t Bring Us Any Candy”

The collapse of the Soviet Union had more of an effect on Americans than many may realize: Fundamentalist Christians lost one of their most efficient opportunities to win converts. No longer was it as advantageous to vow to smuggle Bibles beyond the Iron Curtain in order to rescue the innocents and the Godless Soviets just didn’t seem as evil as they had before. Now, “hell on Earth”, which would have been brought to us by the commies, was just plain old hell again and the devil would have to collect his souls without the Reds assisting…

But before the fall of the Soviet Union, several notable religious propaganda films were made and one in particular, directed by Ron Ormond and entitled “If Footman Tire You, What Will Horses Do?”, may have been the strangest of the lot. According to The Unknown Movies website:

Ormond survived a plane crash…and as a result of this became a born-again Christian, teaming up with various Baptist churches and preachers (including Jerry Fallwell at least once!) to make movies that would spread The Good Word.

Associating with the Baptist faith, Ormond soon teamed up with the legendary Reverend Estus W. Pirkle, one of the more colorful and outrageous Baptists of his time – maybe of all time. Already, Pirkle had been distributing audio recordings of his fiery sermons in the Baptist community, and it seemed that evolving into the motion picture medium would be the next logical step in spreading his word – as well as making a few bucks in the format. (As it turned out, Ormond left Pirkle after several movies, when he discovered the good Reverend was essentially ripping him off.) One of the first collaborations between Pirkle and Ormond was If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do, an adaptation of one of Pirkle’s most famous sermons, which he had already cunningly converted into book format for Christian book stores. Naturally, there had to be a number of changes to convert it to a movie (especially one that was only about 45 minutes long.) For one thing, the movie right at the beginning essentially asks us to accept the facts that we are about to hear, without learning what sources Pirkle got these facts from. The movie opens with an off-screen voice asking, “Reverend Pirkle, are the pictures we about to see true fact, or are they figments of your imagination?”

Pirkle’s voice responds, “I can document every statement in this film. And all of the documented re-enactments are taken from actually events that have taken place in Russia, Korea, China, and Cuba, where the communists have already taken over. The only difference is that we’re using Americans to emphasize that the same thing can and will happen…. if they take over.”

Thanks to Brian Turner of WFMU’s Beware of the Blog, some short clips of this hilariously disturbing movie can be viewed there.

The entire 52 minute Praise-Be-To-Jesus movie can be found here

It’s worth your viewing time, if for no other reason than to see how silly fundamental Christians could/can be.

And just in case you haven’t had enough of Estus W. Pirkle (what a name to be born with, eh, and with a name like that he could only have been a fundamentalist preacher…or a sock puppet), check out The Burning Hell video, viewable in 8 YouTube parts. Hey, parts is parts!


He’ll Fuck You Up!

I’m not sure how universal the concept of “Hell” really is but many Christians believe only the Christian God can make good on the threat of one. More so, that Hell only exists by His allowance. Brett Keane has a video on YouTube that illustrates just how basic the concept really is to many of the world’s religions and he surmises that if Christians want to threaten him with eternal damnation, “They’re in the same boat as I am…”.

Good point, Brett.

It might be nice to have a religion that doesn’t use fear of eternal suffering as a motivator, but it’s a powerfully effective method for gaining followers. I can understand why so many religions utilize it as a selling point.

Interesting that if you remove the apostrophe, the title of the song is “Hell Fuck You Up”. Coincidence? I think not.

Hate By State

The Southern Poverty Law Center has provided an Intelligence Project that pinpoints, state by state, hate groups in the US and the numbers surprised me. Certainly the Deep South is known for it’s Klan and Neo-Nazi groups, but nearly every state seems to have at least a few formal organizations. Check out how many are in your area. You may be surprised too.

I realize I’ve made it much easier for Moloch to locate like-minded individuals (or is that slack-minded individuals) but it’s important for the rest of us to know who’s out there too.

Now THIS is Quite Well Done!

Hilarious too.

A tip of the hat to: One Good Move

I’ve Heard of BLACK Helicopters, But…

…David Thompson has given me a whole new thing to worry about.

Either that, or I’m chuckling at his fantastic complaints to a North Carolina City Council.

You know what’s sad, David?
– That you have 15 minutes of fame coming and you waste it like this.

Local lunatic David Thompson complains to Charlotte, NC city council during a community access forum, which is conveniently captured on tape and broadcast live on the local community access channel. There aren’t enough tags to cover his rant against ice in the arena, rogue helicopter pilots, and “terrorist pussies”.

Rumsfeld Slums for Christmas Chums in Iraq

Rumsfeld Slums For Christmas Chums in Iraq

Dec 25, 2005 6:03 AM

  By Carl Khristian Rove

Mosul, Iraq (Fabricated News Services) – In a hastily but tastefully decorated dining hall, Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld served Christmas Eve dinner to a carefully chosen group of ten US soldiers, then fed them the usual propaganda concerning the Iraqi liberation (oil procurement and base building) effort by invoking the ghosts of 9/11 past.

Not one to miss an opportunity to validate the war, Rumsfeld gave the after-dinner speech and forced emotion to creep into his voice when he spoke of the human costs of the Iraq war. He noted that the Christmas season was a time to remember those who have been sacrificed to the cause and added that really any season is a good time to exploit regret to gain support.

“Terrorists would be emboldened to impose their dark holidays on the rest of the world if we were to give up,” he cautioned. “And so we will manipulate the majority of Americans to continue supporting this invasion with multitudinous misdirection and wire tapping, an unnecessary and repressive Patriot Act renewal and pseudo-heartfelt holiday attention grabbing,” he promised.

“It is a test of ills between Al’Qaeda and the White House and let there be no doubt that we do a better job of ill-advisedly invading and controlling,” Rumsfeld added.

Rumsfeld ended his five-day trip that began in Pakistan and included stops in Afghanistan and Jordan by role-playing as inferior hired help to serve food to the soldiers. The special fare was provided by IHOP (Iraq House of Pancakes) and included all-you-can-eat pickled vegetable pancakes, turkey sausage links, falafel stuffing, spiced fish soup, goat’s milk whipped topping, chickpea cobbler and blueberry-prune pudding.

“Spiced fish soup is the big seller tonight,” Rumsfeld quipped after the few soldiers had made it through the serving line he alone manned. “I’m not certain which culture has been invaded here.”

As troops outside tripped roadside bombs with their bodies, the lucky few inside suffered yet another lecture by Rumsfeld concerning staying the course and ruminated on how they would equally be responsible for certain attacks on US soil if they stopped writing letters home convincing their families and friends of the tranquil moods of liberated yet constantly wounded and murdered Iraqis.

It was the second straight Christmas that Rumsfeld served Christmas Eve Dinner and Moralizing to troops in Iraq, but this year real, not plastic, food was provided and Americans were once again fed the turkey of a deal that is Iraq. Gobble, gobble.

Allah bless us every one!


Too bad the little fishies had to die while exposing this Darwin Award nominee.

Note: To be fair, he can’t win the award with this endeavor. Surely though, it’s only a matter of time before he’s back as a serious contender.

“What is Love”… is teh Funniest!

You’ve got to see this video from IFILM Viral Videos, guys. Show it to the family on Thanksgiving day. Email it to friends, just get it out there because this guy obviously wants to be seen by as many people as possible.

As if this song needed more notoriety!

IFILM describes it thusly:

What Is Love (Don’t Hurt Me)  (2005)
Even if he nailed the lyrics (which he doesn’t), this middle-aged webcam karaoke is just too sad for words.

I’m sure the poor guy didn’t mean to do so but, he hurt me!

(Happy Thanksgiving All – You’re what I’m thankful for.)


Should We Allow Prisoners to Profit From Their Works of Art?

It’s an issue we must discuss, this controversial question of what the rights of prisoners should be; where the line should be drawn. I’m not exactly sure where I stand concerning the selling of art by and for serial killers. But there’s an organization, called The Fortune Society, which makes it possible for the incarcerated to profit, through self-created notoriety, with self-created artwork.

Founded in 1967 and based in New York City, The Fortune Society is one of the preeminent ex-prisoner service and advocacy organizations in the country. Its mission is to help former prisoners and those facing prison time by providing the foundation from which new lives can be launched, and to educate the larger community on key issues related to criminal justice and the underlying causes of crime. Funding for the not-for-profit organization comes through private contributions and government grants.

They are a “guilty party” to this controversy, the enablers, and this is a typical response to the auction:

An online auction of artwork by a serial sex killer triggered outrage in Massachusetts on Tuesday where lawmakers proposed to block criminals from profiting on what they called “murderabilia,” setting off a debate on free speech rights of prisoners.

A colored pencil sketch of Jesus Christ kneeling in a desert by Alfred Gaynor, a serial killer serving four life sentences for sodomizing and choking to death four women, went on sale on Tuesday on a Web site operated by a prisoner advocacy group.

It was one of nearly 300 artworks offered for auction through December 18 on The Fortune Society’s Web site. If sold, nearly all proceeds from the work entitled, “A Righteous Man’s Reward,” will go to Gaynor, the group said.

The article goes on to reveal that legislation has been submitted by Rep. Peter Koutoujian, a Democrat, that would provide a variation of the “Son of Sam” law, since Massachusetts is one of the few states not to have such a law in one form or another. The “Son of Sam” law requires convicted criminals to surrender profits from books and movies or other deals based on their stories to victims or the state.

America’s first such law was passed in New York after “Son of Sam” serial killer David Berkowitz was offered big money for his story. The U.S. Supreme Court struck down that law in 1991 but it was retooled and put back on the books in 1992.

There are more than 30 states with such laws that have been unchallenged, mainly because they are so seldomly invoked.

The Supreme Judicial Court, Massachusetts’ highest court, said in 2002 that an earlier version of the law violated free speech provisions in the state and federal constitutions. Koutoujian, a former prosecutor, says the auction underlines the need for the law.


His description of his submission:

This is a piece with Jesus praying for all men and women to one day come to him in prayer so that one day we could all truly be brothers and sisters in heaven.

(What kind of rip-off is this “heaven” place that would accept such creeps as Gaynor?)


After seeing “A Righteous Man’s Reward” by Gaynor, I’m tempted to say he deserves not a penny: It’s a piece that appears to have been crafted by a child. Yet it’s has the highest bid so far of $250.00 so maybe I’m no art critic.

Some really impressive pieces of art, sculpture and “baubles” are visible at The Fortune Society site, and considering ability alone, some of the artists deserve reward for their efforts and abilities. Had some not been incarcerated, their works would surely be in an upscale art gallery or two.

Consider, too, that some of these artist are seriously challenged for supplies necessary to create their pieces.
Artist Ramiro Gonzalez says:

I’m here in the SHU in Pelican Bay Prison and we’re not allowed to have colored pencils, so everything we draw is with a ball point pen and everything else we have to be creative. With this piece, I used coffee for the color brown and the other colors on the bear. I used Skittles – wet them a little bit to extract the color – and then paint the drawing. I use my plastic state-issued spoon to scrape color off old magazines and TV Guides and then rub the color dust into the drawing until it takes. As you can see, we make do around here with what is available.”


Others use soft drink cans, folded paper, plastic straws, soap, coffee cups, dental floss and other abstract materials. It’s each state’s choice how many or how few art supplies the inmates have access to: Some states are generous, other’s extremely restrictive.

Constitutional right to free speech is the issue here, not whether any of these guys should be considered artistically gifted.

I believe they should have the same allowances regarding free speech as anyone outside of a prison, but I cringe to realize Gaynor’s work is going to sell for hundreds of dollars. That, to me, is a crime!

Update: During the time I took to write this, Gaynor’s piece was purchased by “potsie” for $250.00.


I Hope Alito Sees/Agrees With This

If you’re curious to see how your state ranked in the Pro Life / Pro Choice debate have a look at this breakdown compiled by Survey USA.
Any surprises? Do you see results you expected from your state?

This version sorted by PRO-LIFE VS PRO-CHOICE (Released 09/12/05) in descending order:

Pro Life / Pro Choice
1 Utah 61% / 33%
2 Louisiana 57% / 36% 
3 Arkansas 55% / 40% 
4 Idaho 55% / 41% 
5 Alabama 54% / 36% 
6 Mississippi 53% / 39% 
7 West Virginia 53% / 39% 
8 Kentucky 51% / 42% 
9 Tennessee 51% 42% 
10 Indiana 50% / 47% 
11 South Dakota 49% / 47% 
11 Missouri 48% / 45% 
13 Oklahoma 48% / 47%
14 Nebraska 47% / 49% 
15 North Dakota 47% / 47% 
15 Kansas 45% / 50% 
17 North Carolina 44% / 47% 
17 Pennsylvania 44% / 51% 
17 Georgia 43% / 52%
20 South Carolina 43% / 47% 
20 Texas 43% / 52% 
22 Michigan 42% / 55% 
23 Montana 42% / 53% 
23 Ohio 42% 52% 
25 Iowa 41% / 56% 
26 Arizona 39% / 56% 
27 Minnesota 39% / 56% 
27 New Mexico 39% / 56% 
29 Virginia 39% / 54% 
30 Wisconsin 39% / 57% 
30 Wyoming 39% / 57% 
32 Alaska 37% / 58% 
32 Florida 36% / 58% 
34 Hawaii 35% 57%
34 Colorado 34% / 61% 
36 Illinois 33% / 58% 
37 Maine 33% / 63% 
38 Oregon 33% / 62% 
38 Nevada 32% / 64% 
38 Rhode Island 32% / 63% 
41 Washington 32% / 63% 
42 Delaware 31%/ 63% 
43 New Jersey 31% / 63% 
43 Maryland 29% / 65% 
45 New Hampshire 29% / 67% 
46 California 28% / 65% 
46 Massachusetts 28% / 68% 
48 New York 27% / 66% 
48 Connecticut 26% / 68% 
50 Vermont 25% / 70%

Weighted Average: 38% 56%
(‘Weighted Average’ means each state is weighted proportionally to its share of USA population. For example, California, the most populated state, is given 71 times the weight of WY the least populated state, in a weighted avg.”)

Unweighted Average: 41% / 54%

Adults age 18+ in each of the 50 states were interviewed by SurveyUSA 8/12/05 to 8/14/05.