Apparently a “vajacial” is a thing now.

You probably expected some sort of cat picture as a punny metaphor, right?

You probably expected some sort of cat picture as a punny metaphor, right?

I’m going to say something that I never thought I’d ever say: I think we may be taking our obsession with vaginas just a tad too far. I say that as someone who has been fairly obsessed with vaginas for a good portion of his life.

There have been news articles over the past few years about how porn has had an impact on the way people view their genitals. In the beginning this consisted mainly of the trimming of pubic hair for a more groomed appearance and that seemed harmless enough, but it wasn’t too long until it progressed to shaving off of the pubic hair completely, which seemed to me a bit more extreme. That, of course, was nothing compared to the rise of the brazilian wax which eliminated the razor in favor of just ripping the hair out by the roots.

Jinkies! That last one makes me cringe just thinking about it.

Anyway, while all of these things are fairly common among both men and women these days, it seems some women are taking things even further in pursuit of an attractive vajayjay:

Now, it seems that vajacials are a thing. As in, facials, but for your vagina.

Apparently, these started off as a relatively simple affair in 2010, with a papaya enzyme mask, deep cleanse and tweezer hair extractions.

They’ve moved on though. Impossibly, beauticians have moved on from convincing women that a papaya-scented nether region is a necessary aspect of good sex, and have introduced a whole new range of vagina-themed beauty products.

Some women, before a big date or perhaps a romantic mini-break, actually book themselves in for a treatment of vaginal steaming.

Seriously? How exactly does that work? Wait, I don’t really want to know. I thought a brazilian sounded painful. I can’t imagine applying hot steam to that region.

Supposedly this is done after a woman’s period has ended to “heal any imbalances”, as the article puts it, that the vagina may be left with. That right there pretty much tells you this is a bunch of nonsense someone made up to get women to spend a lot of money on having someone shoot steam up their hoohas while having goop made out of fruits no one wants to eat rubbed on them. If that’s not a big enough waste of your hard earned cash and you’re really worried that your nether regions aren’t of the proper shape then you can always opt for a vaginoplasty.

I’ve seen my fair share of vaginas over the years, both in person and in various publications, and I can’t think of any that were so unattractive that, if I were not a happily married man, I would turn down the offer of playing with them. Usually any declines of such offers had more to to with the person themselves than their vaginas and that wasn’t much of a problem because usually I was the one being declined rather than the other way around.

I thought we’d reached an apex of weirdness with vajazzling, but it seems there is no strangeness we won’t go for in pursuit of the perfect genitalia. Up next? Vajazercise!

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