DHS’s new two-level terror alert system: “Panic” and “Shit Your Pants”.

Puc of old threat level system.

What those color codes really meant. Click to embiggen!

Remember the old Department of Homeland Security color-coded threat level system? The one that went from Green (nothing to see here) to Red (kiss your ass goodbye) which no one ever paid attention to because it was never set to any colors other than Yellow or Orange and no one knew what the fuck you were supposed to do in those situations other than load up on duct tape and plastic sheeting? The one that the media stopped reporting on as soon as it became clear that it didn’t impact their ratings no matter how hard they tried to milk it?

Well the good news is that it’s gone. Dead. Kaput. The DHS decided it was silly and confusing and, apparently, wasn’t evoking the kind of visceral response they were hoping for any longer. Realizing that most Americans are idiots that have trouble tying their own shoes without drooling all over their feet and recognizing that they only ever used two colors on that chart to begin with, the Department of Homeland Security decided to come up with a new, better, simpler system for a simpler people.

This new system will contain only two levels of potential terrorist threat and they are:

Elevated: Warns of a credible terrorist threat against the United States

Imminent: Warns of a credible, specific, and impending terrorist threat against the United States.

via New two-level terror alert system replaces color codes – USA Today.

So the only two states of reality for the United States from this point forward are either “someone’s threatening us” or “said threat is about to happen right now, to you, you unlucky bastard.” To their credit, DHS plans to do more than just incite panic in the general populace:

“In some cases, alerts will be sent directly to law enforcement or affected areas of the private sector, while in others, alerts will be issued more broadly to the American people through both official and media channels,” DHS says on its website.

The new alerts will include maps or other graphics showing the areas affected and, unlike the color-coded system, will include a specific date when the alert expires.

The alerts will be issued through normal news channels, as well as via the DHS web page, by email for those who sign up, and via Facebook and Twitter.

So their first choice won’t necessarily be to induce panic in the general populace, but it’s still an option for days when they’re bored and have nothing better to do like come up with a new way to remove all dignity from people who fly on airplanes through acts of public molestation from people who couldn’t get a job at the local McDonald’s.

At least they’ll be giving you a time and date when you can stop shitting your pants in fear and go back to just worrying about the possibility that you’ll need to put up plastic sheeting using duct tape because they think you’re dumb enough to believe that’ll stop the explosion from killing you. Bonus: You can get your Panic Level Instructions via Twitter or Facebook. Assuming you quit playing FarmVille long enough to notice.

Or, you can do as the English do:

Pic of Keep Calm and Carry On sign.

How uniquely reasonable.

2 thoughts on “DHS’s new two-level terror alert system: “Panic” and “Shit Your Pants”.

  1. I just need to know when the situation has reached the point where we should start cracking open each other’s skulls and feast on the goo inside.

  2. You got your information wrong. Usually a warning isn’t issued. Meaning that there is no alert out. When credible information exists, either an elevated or an imminent warning is issued. So there are actually three levels.The null (normal) level, the elevated level, and the imminent level.

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