Pity the rich for they are experiencing “Luxury Shame.”

It’s not easy being a multimillionaire in these tough economic times. Having all those whiny middle class and poor people crying about how they’re out of work or about to lose their homes just takes all the fun out of conspicuous consumption. It’s gotten so bad that Newsweek has a big article about it:

Multimillionaire Michael Hirtenstein used to flaunt his acquisitions of opulent real estate. “I collect homes because I enjoy it,” he once told DansHamptons.com about his eight properties—which included a $27 million apartment on the 76th floor of Manhattan’s Time Warner Center. In August 2007, the 45-year-old Hirtenstein, who made his fortune in telecommunications, regaled the New York Post with his plans for a $35 million, glass-enclosed duplex in Manhattan’s Tribeca neighborhood, replete with suede-covered walls, three living rooms and a heated pool with built-in underwater video screen. Alas, the economy ground to a halt, and so did Hirtenstein’s conspicuous consumption of real estate. He quietly reneged on the Tribeca duplex, forfeiting a hefty deposit. That isn’t to say Hirtenstein is now selling pencils from a tin cup. “I could walk downstairs now and buy a Ferrari,” he says from a suite at Wynn Las Vegas, which boasts a dealership. “But all of my friends are hurting. I don’t feel like buying random toys.”

Across America’s upper strata, rich folk like Hirtenstein are experiencing an unfamiliar emotion: luxury shame. The late Coco Chanel, doyenne of 20th century fashion, long ago said that luxury is “the opposite of vulgarity,” not of poverty. But in these recessionary times, it seems vulgar to flaunt one’s luxurious lifestyle. And so the wealthy are going blingless and eschewing the spending sprees of the recent Gilded Age, giving new meaning to the phrase “embarrassment of riches.”  The trend is horrible news for the $175-billion global luxury market, which is already absorbing the blows of plummeting personal wealth. Just in time for Christmas, this new “embarrassment of riches” is cutting into sales of high-end retailers and brands like Neiman Marcus and Saks Fifth Avenue, Bentley and BMW, Christie’s and Sotheby’s.

This is terrible and only further weakens an already weakened economy. Fortunately I have a solution:

The Les Jenkins Luxury Indulgences Plan

Are you embarrassed by the obscene amounts of money you can spend on a whim without affecting your net worth in any negative way? Has the troubled economy taken all the fun out of purchasing $500,000 sold gold toilets? Do you feel guilty for your ability to earn more in thirty seconds than some countries’ entire GDP in a year? I can help. My name is Les Jenkins and I’m offering you a Luxury Indulgence that will absolve you of all guilt associated with your ability to spend ridiculous amounts of money on things you would never need in your entire lifetime.

The process is simple: Send me $25,000 and I’ll send you an official Luxury Indulgence good for the guilt-free purchase of any non-essential item(s) up to $1 million in price. Send me $50,000 and the Indulgence will be good for up to $10 million of stuff you don’t need. Or for the low-low price of $100,000 I’ll send you an Indulgence good for purchases of any amount you feel like spending 100% guilt-free.

No longer do you need to feel ashamed for the massive wealth you’ve managed to acquire when everyone else around you is eating out of trash dumpsters. By purchasing my Luxury Indulgences you will not only be helping out one of the impoverished members of the middle class, but you’ll also be helping to stimulate the economy and bring about an end to the recession the country is currently enduring. Les Jenkins’ Luxury Indulgences are more than a way to regain that ability to spend freely without regard to the plight of others, it’s a patriotic way of helping your country return to its once dominate position as an economic powerhouse. It’s a win-win for everyone involved so send your check today!

7 thoughts on “Pity the rich for they are experiencing “Luxury Shame.”

  1. I wole up with a headache, Thank you for brightening a dull and painfull morning.
    That was pure gold.

  2. If you need help with the C/S calls let me know. I have much experience with call center work and can help with those annoying calls from those having second thoughts.

    “I’m sorry you still feel guilt about your purchase, sir. Mr. Jenkins has done everything possible to remove all the guilt and stigma from your indulgence. If you still feel some guilt may I recommend an upgrade to the super-deluxe package. For five hundred thousand we will send a nice letter to some poor unemployed person in your name AND this entitles you to an additional twenty thousand dollar purchase. I hope this assuages all feelings of guilt and if you have any other problems please feel free to call us right back.”  cheese

  3. Les, with all that money you are going to get in indulgences you need some place to invest your money. So let me share with you a secret. I have a high interest, no tax, no upkeep bank account in Nigeria. Become my partner and you could see that money double. I all I need if you bank account number and any credit cards you may have. While you at it, your birth certificate and Social Security number would help to.

  4. I’m not sure why, but I’m stuck on the idea of “suede-covered walls.”  It seems so… aggressively tasteless.

  5. I like this idea a lot! However, I think to be fair to the rich you should open this program up to your stupid evil readers. wink

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