Best Customer Reviews page EVAR!

I never got around to writing about it, but awhile back word was spreading on the blogs about an amazingly overpriced set of ethernet cables being put out by the folks at Denon that supposedly enhanced audio playback to such a degree that they were selling these cables for a mere $500. No, that’s not a typo.

The page lists a lot of bullshit reasons why these cables are supposedly so good for audio playback that only the hyper-credulous could ever buy into, but it has spawned one bit of awesomeness and that’s the greatest customer reviews page ever seen by mortal man. I swear some of these folks must be ad copy people doing work for the Q-Ray and Q-Link scams. Here’s one of my favorites written by customer S. V. Bugaj:

Many people have posted here who appear not to understand the science behind Denon’s cabling and its superior hyperphasal multibit inductive ultraconductance technologies. They assume that there is no way to improve upon the transmissive properties of copper cabling (mainly because they don’t understand the properties of alloying megacopper), or to create a better-than-normal digital signal (BTND coding). I would give this cable eleventy million stars if I could, and once you understand, so will you.

In order to clear things up for the scitards, let me quote to you from the original Denon research literature by Quick & Salwen:

“Work has been proceeding in order to bring perfection to the crudely conceived idea of a new cable technology that will not only supply inverse reactive current for use in unilateral phase detractors, but will also be capable of automatically synchronizing cardinal grammeters. Despite the claims of some critics, such a cable is possible. We call it the Turbo-encable-ator.

The cabling system has a base-plate connector of prefabulated amulite, surmounted by a malleable logarithmic casing in such a way that the two spurving bearings are in a direct line with the pentametric fan. The main cable winding is of the normal lotus-o-delta type placed in panendermic semi-boloid slots in the stator, every seventh conductor being connected by a nonreversible tremble pipe to the differential girdlespring on the ‘up’ end of the grammeters.

Forty-one manestically spaced grouting brushes are arranged to feed into the pulse phasing slipstream a mixture of high S-value phenylhydrobenzamine and 5% reminative tetryliodohexamine. Both of these liquids have specific pericosities given by P = 2.5C.n^6-7 where n is the diathetical evolute of retrograde temperature phase disposition and C is Cholmondeley’s annular grillage coefficient. Initially, n was measured with the aid of a metapolar refractive pilfrometer, but up to the present date nothing has been found to equal the transcendental hopper dadoscope. It is clear from this that intrapolarphasal preteslence is now empraxified, correlating with an increase in conductive hyperplatitization.

Electrical engineers will appreciate the difficulty of nubbing together a regurgitative purwell and a supramitive wennelsprock. Indeed, this proved to be a stumbling block to further development until, in 1992, it was found that the use of anhydrous nangling pins enabled a kryptonastic boiling shim to the tankered. Spooling of the reframublant diaphanator became possible, allowing for cromulence.

Our early attempts to construct a sufficiently robust spiral decommutator failed, potentially dooming the project, largely because of a lack of appreciation of the large quasi-piestic stresses in the gremlin strands; the latter were specially designed to hold the roffit windings to the spamshaft. When, however, it was discovered that wending could be prevented by a simple addition to the living sockets, almost perfect running was secured. With this problem overcome, we were able to initiate googolpolar preferatory unbinding.

The operating point is maintained as near as possible to the h.f. rem peak by constantly fromaging the bitumogenous spandrels. This is a distinct advance on the standard nivel-sheave in that no dramcock gel is required after the phase detractors have been remissed. Such advances allow for non-holoxified, doubly-flexocorrigent operation.

Undoubtedly, the Turbo-encable-ator has now reached a very high level of technical development. It has been successfully used for generating nofer trunnions. In addition, whenever a barescent skor signal is required, the cable connector may be employed in conjunction with a drawn reciprocating dingle arm to reduce sinusoidal depleneration.”

Now that you know the science behind these amazing cables, you can see just what an amazing advance they truly are. With all that R&D behind them, they’d be cheap at twice the price. I haven’t listened to any music across them yet, but all relevant synthetic cableometrics show that the AKDL1 are operates at a very advanced level and should be more than suitable for hyperlistening.

If I ever get around to actually selling my soon-to-be-patented Anti-Alien Anal Probe Ass Shield you can bet your ass I’ll hire Mr. Bugaj to write my ad copy! And that’s just one of many hilarious customer reviews that only the deeply sarcasm impaired could ever mistake as being real.

Found via Boing Boing Gadgets.

16 thoughts on “Best Customer Reviews page EVAR!

  1. Dear Sweet Zombie Jesus. Les, you owe me for a new fire extinguisher, since I had to put my head out after it caught fire!  LOL

    Seriously, I haven’t heard a load of shit like that in a while, thanks for the laugh.

  2. How about $8,000 “heirloom” speaker cables?

    About Analysis Plus:

    Analysis Plus, Inc. has provided electronic and electromagnetic simulation and analysis for a host of companies since its inception in 1993. All the members their team hold advanced degrees in Electrical Engineering or Physics, and our specialty is the art of computer simulation. They are experts in the use of Saber, Matlab, Ansoft, and Spice, among other tools, as well as in the testing and measurement of physical devices. This expertise allows them to bring the appropriate tool to bear on the task at hand. As a result, Analysis Plus has designed and developed leading edge audio and video cables that have garnered rave reviews.

    What are Analysis Plus Customers saying?

    “I can honestly say this is the best buy I have ever made in the category of interconnect, speakers wires and power cords. This just may be the best buy I have ever made in audio during the past twenty years.”

    “I have been so unexpectedly impressed with your speaker cables (I use the word unexpected because, while I was sure your cables would be excellent, I did not believe that speaker cables could make the degree of change that I have experienced).”

    “You guys make the best cable I have yet heard. Not only this, but you have the most honest price structure in the business.  The increase in price gets you thicker wire or silver conductors, plain and simple.  No gimmicks, no secret construction or exotic material that will bring sonic Nirvana for the right price.”

    Golden Oval Speaker Cable

    Our patented oval design partners with pure gold over Oxygen Free copper to create a Litz wire without equal.

    100% shielded coverage, meticulously designed conductive sheath eliminates microphonic movement noise, proprietary Teflon dielectric provides the optimal impedance and made in the USA quality.

    Heirloom quality cable with a noise floor so low goose bumps, tears and magical moments from the past come alive.

  3. Reminds me of this:

    Audiophile Deathmatch: Monster Cables vs. a Coat Hanger

    Whether or not Monster Cables are worth it is a war that has raged since home theater immemorial. A poster at Audioholics was put in a room with five fellow audiophiles, and a Martin Logan SL-3 speaker set at 75Db at 1000KHz playing a mix of “smooth, trio, easy listening jazz” that no one had heard before. In one corner, Monster 1000 speaker cables. In the other, four coat hangers twisted and soldered into a speaker cable.

    Seven songs were played while the group was blindfolded and the cables swapped back and forth. Not only “after 5 tests, none could determine which was the Monster 1000 cable or the coat hanger wire,” but no one knew a coat hanger was used in the first place.

  4. A few years back folks were were writing reviews on Amazon on a Family Circus book that were nothing short of brilliant. A few samples captured before going down the memory hole:

      “You’ll laugh out loud as Billy continues his efforts to sodomize Barfy. PJ looks on with whimsical amusemnt as Dolly ‘discovers’ herself. Dolly may have pudgy little legs, but that doesn’t stop the boy next door from noticing her. He really likes her ‘developing, ripening buds’.

      But Thel is the main attraction. No MILF in the world can compare to her. With her razor blade haircut, she goes on a sex spree that Nina Hartly, Samantha Strong, and Wendy WHoppers couldn’t accomplish in a combined movie career. Poor daddy is bound and gagged and is forced to watch as Thel attempts a threesome to the third power. She is the hottest mommy in town and only Blondie Bumstead has a better body, but she’s such a prude.”

      Three simple words wrap up the reason to buy this book.


  5. Words, words, words. Reminds me of a T-shirt my brother had printed: “Exercate obfuscation!”  LOL

  6. Well, you are all missing the real opportunity.

    If you buy the cables from Amazon, rather than at retail, you aren’t paying full price for them. There are some significant savings available, which really bring the price down to a much more reasonable level.

  7. JethricOne:

    I can only assume that you are being sarcastic.  Constant internet lurking has now lowered my sarcasm detection threshold so far that I sometimes have trouble identifying it when I read it, unless there are emoticons involved.  Sad, I know.

    I am, to put it mildly, a music nut with a pretty damned good ear.  I own over two hundred vinyl albums, a box full of 8-tracks, a few reel-to-reels, 2-300 hundred cassette tapes, and a growing hoard of CDs, plus I check out new music online almost every day.  I can often tell what media the music is played on just by listening, but I’ve gotten good enough at adjusting the equalizer that most other people can’t hear the weaknesses.  As an amateur musician I play bass, guitar, saxophone, and sing a bit.  I do not have perfect pitch, but given a starting note I can tune an instrument to within a few cents of what a digital tuner can do. 
    My point:
    I am not a serious professional, but as far as I have seen, there has been no truly revolutionary development in audio cords in my lifetime.  Just a bunch of high-priced bullshit.
      My current stereo setup consists of two 10+ year old, decent quality JVC tower speakers, a 20+ year old Pioneer tape deck and 20+ year old Sony receiver/amp combo, a barely-working Sears turntable, and a $20, 8 year old Emerson portable cd player.  The cable I use is a mix of old headphone cords and a leftover spool of medium-quality copper speaker cable that was given to me 10 years ago, because the previous owner couldn’t even sell it at the swap meet.  And my shitty, ghetto, hand-me-down Frankenstereo sounds JUST FUCKING AWESOME!  I can listen to burned discs of old tape-recorded Radio Mystery Theatre episodes at low volume and they sound as good as they ever have, or I can blast the neighbors out of bed with Black Sabbath on tape, cd, or vinyl and they will still hear all the parts.

    In short, I just don’t get it.  Gold wires seem to me to produce a slightly cleaner sound than copper, but if you have to listen closely to tell the difference, why bother?  I’ve never used a coat hanger as an audio cord, but I have used old
    lamp cords and electrical tape and they worked just fine. 
    I’m no technophobe.  I love the digital revolution, if only because I can now afford to record music on my own, but all the hype surrounding hardware is ridiculous.  If the cord
    gives a good signal, and isn’t crackling because of breaks, you’re good to go.  I don’t care if your cords are made out of pure gold, recycled cans, or Christmas tree tinsel; if you’re paying more than $.50-$3 per foot (tops!!!) you are getting fucked in the ass.        My $3/foot limit applies to high-quality instrument cables. I’ve never paid for fucking speaker wire in my entire life. 

    If only I had less scruples, I would go into business selling this stupid shit to people and make a million or two.  Oh well.

  8. Its ULTRACONDUCTIVE!!! That means there’s MORE coming out than going IN!!!

    Think of how much music you will save for the next day that way! Especially nowadays, when you hhave to be SUSTAINABLE. How can you fools not see that???

    Also, improving digital signals. You get extra 0s and 1s, which you are allowed to reuse, too.

  9. For a moment I forgot he was describing and audio cable and thought they discovered a way to break into subspace.

  10. No Ingolfson- you dont understand. Not only are they sending 0 and 1, but all the decimals (made up from 0 and 1 as well, so instead of

    0 1 1 0 0 0 1 1 0 1 1 0

    you get

    0.11 1 1.11 0.01 1.01010011101 etc-

    All the range of analogue, but with the quality of digital.

    (Bugger- I wonder how long before some know nothing ad man tries to use that as a tag line)

  11. Neil: Gold wires seem to me to produce a slightly cleaner sound than copper…

    The gold is used for contact plating b/c it is highly stable and won’t corrode/tarnish.  Silver is the best conductor but it tarnishes too easily to use as a contact.  Copper also has a higher conductivity than gold, but it tarnishes as well.

    I’d worry more about the quality of my guitar cables over speaker cables.  You can use unshielded speaker cables in many cases.  It’s hard to use an unshielded guitar cable without getting noise.

    If they would just save the money wasted on overpriced cables and spend it on top of the line speakers, they’d be much happier.  Well, maybe not HAPPIER, just have better sound.  They’d still have to bitch about their cables.

  12. I can only assume that you are being sarcastic.  Constant internet lurking has now lowered my sarcasm detection threshold so far that I sometimes have trouble identifying it when I read it, unless there are emoticons involved.  Sad, I know.

    Yes, I am being sarcastic. If you go to the page, you will see that they are offering the cables for 499.99, down from 500.99. And the page proudly exclaims that you will save $1.00.

  13. OMG I clicked the link to the review and it is hilarious some guy rants about how the cables brought him closer to Jesus and another says it solves global warming.  I think the whole thing has become a mockery now that it has been spammed.

  14. My favorite audiophile cable nonsense was a company selling interconnects with lightbeam insulation. For well over $1,000 for 3 feet.

    They literally had some kind of special light source (ie: flashlight) that connected near one end of the cable and supposedly fed the interference-canceling light into fibers wrapped around the cables.

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