“I Don’t See Any Candy. I Don’t Taste Any Candy. Your Jesus Didn’t Bring Us Any Candy”

The collapse of the Soviet Union had more of an effect on Americans than many may realize: Fundamentalist Christians lost one of their most efficient opportunities to win converts. No longer was it as advantageous to vow to smuggle Bibles beyond the Iron Curtain in order to rescue the innocents and the Godless Soviets just didn’t seem as evil as they had before. Now, “hell on Earth”, which would have been brought to us by the commies, was just plain old hell again and the devil would have to collect his souls without the Reds assisting…

But before the fall of the Soviet Union, several notable religious propaganda films were made and one in particular, directed by Ron Ormond and entitled “If Footman Tire You, What Will Horses Do?”, may have been the strangest of the lot. According to The Unknown Movies website:

Ormond survived a plane crash…and as a result of this became a born-again Christian, teaming up with various Baptist churches and preachers (including Jerry Fallwell at least once!) to make movies that would spread The Good Word.

Associating with the Baptist faith, Ormond soon teamed up with the legendary Reverend Estus W. Pirkle, one of the more colorful and outrageous Baptists of his time – maybe of all time. Already, Pirkle had been distributing audio recordings of his fiery sermons in the Baptist community, and it seemed that evolving into the motion picture medium would be the next logical step in spreading his word – as well as making a few bucks in the format. (As it turned out, Ormond left Pirkle after several movies, when he discovered the good Reverend was essentially ripping him off.) One of the first collaborations between Pirkle and Ormond was If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do, an adaptation of one of Pirkle’s most famous sermons, which he had already cunningly converted into book format for Christian book stores. Naturally, there had to be a number of changes to convert it to a movie (especially one that was only about 45 minutes long.) For one thing, the movie right at the beginning essentially asks us to accept the facts that we are about to hear, without learning what sources Pirkle got these facts from. The movie opens with an off-screen voice asking, “Reverend Pirkle, are the pictures we about to see true fact, or are they figments of your imagination?”

Pirkle’s voice responds, “I can document every statement in this film. And all of the documented re-enactments are taken from actually events that have taken place in Russia, Korea, China, and Cuba, where the communists have already taken over. The only difference is that we’re using Americans to emphasize that the same thing can and will happen…. if they take over.”

Thanks to Brian Turner of WFMU’s Beware of the Blog, some short clips of this hilariously disturbing movie can be viewed there.

The entire 52 minute Praise-Be-To-Jesus movie can be found here

It’s worth your viewing time, if for no other reason than to see how silly fundamental Christians could/can be.

And just in case you haven’t had enough of Estus W. Pirkle (what a name to be born with, eh, and with a name like that he could only have been a fundamentalist preacher…or a sock puppet), check out The Burning Hell video, viewable in 8 YouTube parts. Hey, parts is parts!


5 thoughts on ““I Don’t See Any Candy. I Don’t Taste Any Candy. Your Jesus Didn’t Bring Us Any Candy”

  1. Wow!  Got into the first 10 seconds and couldn’t stomach it any more.  How could someone seriously produce that shit for a child?

  2. I’m with you, Webs, although I doubt the fiction was for children only.
    Batshit crazy parents would’ve loved it too.
    It invites one to wonder how many were sucked in by any of this obvious bullshit; I’m sure there were some but no where near as many as the presenter hoped for.
    As a presenter you’d have to be someone who knew a bit about xianity and how it ticks, an elitist of some description and maybe paranoid, absolutely unprincipled, a fanciful liar (we call them bullshit artists), scammer and or conman; I think I almost described a psychopath.
    Your target audience would be preferably xian, easily led and or programmed, paranoid, elitist, stupid would help but it wouldn’t be a pre-requisite; it’d help if they had some money cos the presenter couldn’t be expected to get a real job after all the hard work he (a she couldn’t have done that crap as ‘convincingly’) had put into it.

  3. LOL They don’t make them as they used to, I think part of the commedy (and a general observation) is because in the past propoganda was much more blatant. Possibly a reason why some people nowadays genuinely believe these things (maybe to a lesser extent) is a more cunning and covert aproach interweaving it into things like morality and anything they don’t expect the audience to have thought deeply about, a kind of adaptation, which implies there was less acceptance back then which created a need for the material (or more the approach) to evolve.

    Nowadays the partial loss of blatancy has the danger that ‘spreaders’ (of religous and political views) start to believe their own material much like someone who makes up their own cult can start to believe it. It’s nolonger so much out of some sort of gain for the spreader, it’s a brainwashing mindset where the spreader thinks they’re doing people a favour. What would be particularly dangerous would be a cult where people are led to believe that they are doing people a kind favour by ending the suffering of daily life (serial euthenasia where the only condition for suffering is being alive)

  4. They don’t make them as they used to, I think part of the commedy (and a general observation) is because in the past propoganda was much more blatant.

    The propaganda of the film was certainly blatant, but that’s how fundamentalist preachers (and Catholic priests) roll.

    Preachers like Pirkle overuse a method of inducement that Bush, Giuliani and many other republicans have found to be very effective and that is >FEAR

    <. Fear is a strong motivator and without it, Christianity would still be in it's infancy and the Iraq war would never have started.

    LJ, if you and Webs think the children were abused by Pirkle’s rhetoric, have a look at this short

    video  and keep an eye out for the little blond-haired boy’s expression. I think he thought he was being yelled at by the singer.

  5. and keep an eye out for the little blond-haired boy’s expression.

    LOL!  That was fucking funny!  I think the little guy said to himself, “Holy Shit these fuckers are batshit crazy!!”

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