They’re baaaack. Bible Decoders think 8th guess is surely correct. Really.

It’s time once again to check in with our favorite group of doomsday prophets: The Lords’ Witnesses and the True Bible Code website:

The UN in Midtown Manhattan will be hit by a sea borne nuclear bomb on 2006Ab8 i.e. on the Jewish Sabbath between Sundown Friday August 4th and Sundown Saturday August 5th, 2006

Sure they’ve been wrong SEVEN TIMES before—their most recent date was by sundown on August 1st—but that shouldn’t be a reason to not accept that they’re correct this time, right?

Com’on, that decoding-the-perfect-word-of-god stuff is hard work! This time it’s different! This time they’ve worked out what they were doing wrong! This time they’ve got a bunch of gobbledygook to back up their claim with!

Our new and 8th attempt at the date should now be correct, according to 1 Kings 18, since Elijah told his attendant to go back and look for a man made mushroom cloud 7 times during a festival after the first no show during a festival, giving 8 attempts during festivals in all…

43 And he said to his attendant/boy [to those under his authority in the church, or those who attend the website, whilst doing a mushroom to the earth]: Go up [Celebrate the passover a second time, the late passover, since he did the mushroom in the sign of Jonah letter of 2006Iyyar1, after the first passover], now/please [)n]. Look in the direction of the sea [‘Sea’ is genitive here, being the absolute of a construct. The word ‘Sea’ only appears once in the account, so it means sea, or large river – BDAHCL. Look in the direction of the sea from Midtown where we celebrated the late passover i.e. look eastwards (i.e. to the mid east or far east) for a nuclear bomb striking the UN from the sea or from a great river, presumably the East river on 2006Iyyar21, our first incorrect date for such an event, it being 7 days after the late passover]. So he went up [to the late passover in NYC, at the Edison Hotel 47th street and Broadway] and looked [for said event on 2006Iyyar21, a sabbath, and our first incorrect date for this coming event] and then said: There is nothing at all [There was no terrorist attack on 2006Iyyar21. The attendant said this to Gordon in a church conference call on 2006Iyyar22].  And he went on to say, Go back, 7 times [look 7 more times in the direction of the sea during a festival] (1 Kings 18).

Wow! The Bible talks about a man made mushroom cloud? How the hell did I miss that? As always this latest attempt from the Bible Decoders is highly amusing and stands about as much chance of being correct as the last seven predictions they’ve made. Still, you’ve gotta admire their unshakable faith in the face of having become a total laughingstock.

On the plus side at least they’ve stopped sending out press releases to everyone and their brother with these last two predictions. That should free up a little space in a lot of people’s trashcans. 

9 thoughts on “They’re baaaack. Bible Decoders think 8th guess is surely correct. Really.

  1. 43
      “Climb up and look out to sea,” he directed his servant, who went up and looked, but reported, “There is nothing.” Seven times he said, “Go look again!”
      And the seventh time the youth reported, “There is a cloud as small as a man’s hand rising from the sea.” Elijah said, “Go and say to Ahab, ‘Harness up and leave the mountain before the rain stops you.’”

    These guys are really stretching if they take clould and turn it into “mushroom cloud”.

    However, that interpretation is directly contradicted by saying that rain is coming (presumably from that cloud). Last I checked, nuclear weapons didn’t cause rain.

  2. Of course it’s in the Bible. Right after that bit where God sends Adam out for ribs and instead brings back a floozy. After that, all Hell breaks loose.

    I’m surprised you don’t remember it. I think it was even made into an episode of “Three’s Company”.

  3. Well if it’s going to happend let it be before next Wednesday at 9:00 a.m. – I have a dentists appointment at 9:30

  4. KPG: Are we sure this whole thing isn’t just some sort of running gag by somebody with way too much free fucking time?

    That must be it.
    The alternative is just a joke. LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

  5. Jon Voisey wrote

    However, that interpretation is directly contradicted by saying that rain is coming (presumably from that cloud). Last I checked, nuclear weapons didn’t cause rain.

    Well, yes, but if you were Elijah how would you describe fallout?  I don’t think there are any volcanos in the area, so they would not have seen ash falling from the sky.  Plus, it quite probably would “rain” if you set off a nuke at ground level beside a body of water; the intense heat generated would flash much of it into steam which would certainly rain down later.  Just watch some footage from the Bikini tests, for instance.

    None of this is to say these dudes (or their more mainstream brethern who have been appearing on the “news” channels as featured on last night’s The Daily Show) have a freakin’ clue.  After all, it will be the twelfth time that the nuke will go off, one festival for every tribe of Israel as well as every apostle.

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