Rumsfeld Slums for Christmas Chums in Iraq

Rumsfeld Slums For Christmas Chums in Iraq

Dec 25, 2005 6:03 AM

  By Carl Khristian Rove

Mosul, Iraq (Fabricated News Services) – In a hastily but tastefully decorated dining hall, Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld served Christmas Eve dinner to a carefully chosen group of ten US soldiers, then fed them the usual propaganda concerning the Iraqi liberation (oil procurement and base building) effort by invoking the ghosts of 9/11 past.

Not one to miss an opportunity to validate the war, Rumsfeld gave the after-dinner speech and forced emotion to creep into his voice when he spoke of the human costs of the Iraq war. He noted that the Christmas season was a time to remember those who have been sacrificed to the cause and added that really any season is a good time to exploit regret to gain support.

“Terrorists would be emboldened to impose their dark holidays on the rest of the world if we were to give up,” he cautioned. “And so we will manipulate the majority of Americans to continue supporting this invasion with multitudinous misdirection and wire tapping, an unnecessary and repressive Patriot Act renewal and pseudo-heartfelt holiday attention grabbing,” he promised.

“It is a test of ills between Al’Qaeda and the White House and let there be no doubt that we do a better job of ill-advisedly invading and controlling,” Rumsfeld added.

Rumsfeld ended his five-day trip that began in Pakistan and included stops in Afghanistan and Jordan by role-playing as inferior hired help to serve food to the soldiers. The special fare was provided by IHOP (Iraq House of Pancakes) and included all-you-can-eat pickled vegetable pancakes, turkey sausage links, falafel stuffing, spiced fish soup, goat’s milk whipped topping, chickpea cobbler and blueberry-prune pudding.

“Spiced fish soup is the big seller tonight,” Rumsfeld quipped after the few soldiers had made it through the serving line he alone manned. “I’m not certain which culture has been invaded here.”

As troops outside tripped roadside bombs with their bodies, the lucky few inside suffered yet another lecture by Rumsfeld concerning staying the course and ruminated on how they would equally be responsible for certain attacks on US soil if they stopped writing letters home convincing their families and friends of the tranquil moods of liberated yet constantly wounded and murdered Iraqis.

It was the second straight Christmas that Rumsfeld served Christmas Eve Dinner and Moralizing to troops in Iraq, but this year real, not plastic, food was provided and Americans were once again fed the turkey of a deal that is Iraq. Gobble, gobble.

Allah bless us every one!

4 thoughts on “Rumsfeld Slums for Christmas Chums in Iraq

  1. (Rumsfeld) noted that the Christmas season was a time to remember those who have been sacrificed to the cause and added that really any season is a good time to exploit regret to gain support.

    What a guy!

    Season’s Slurpiest Greetings to all y’all Evil lovers! wink

  2. I’m guessing the administration is making these public displays so they can finally say: “see, we served in a military conflict too!” Of course serving spiced fish and rubber turkey don’t quite rank up there with diffusing IEDs.

  3. IDE (Improvised Explosive Device) is an anagram for DIE (DIE).

    And, yes, I think you’ve hit on the motivation behind the visits, even if it were to be subconsciously driven.

    What really bugs me is the way these chicken hawks use a captive audience and the biggest holiday to disseminate lies and manipulations.

    If you want to give your soldiers a Christmas Eve dinner reward, give one to all of them and keep the conversations light and festive. Give them breaks from the heavy day to day instead of propaganda parts to play.

    I’m sure their real motives are clear to all, though.

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