More Nonsense Scientific “Theories” perverting our children’s minds

More Nonsense Scientific “Theories” perverting our children’s minds.
By Rev. Amos “Duke” Ashen

Human Evolution is only a theory – we know because they call it a theory themselves. The Godless egg-heads just can’t bring themselves to admit that the idea that we are all mutated monkeys is nothing but a foolish guess about where we come from in the sad soulless vacuum of their invented reality where intellectuals anoint themselves to be God. They invent these lies to relieve themselves of the social pressure they cannot bear to be moral folks living in the light of Christ’s love.

If our kids are convinced of this nonsense that we are nothing but mutated monkeys what reason is there to persuade our kids to be moral people? Our kids will be nothing but God-hating vile freaks if they have their minds messed up by the liberal media and their evil egghead theories.

Well, Recently I heard of another dumb egghead theory – but instead of being honest they call this one a “Theorem” – Doubtless to try to make it sound more credible than using the word “Theory”; a word which the righteous among us have debunked as being just another Godless lie.

No matter what name they use, “Pythagoras’ Theorem” is just another egghead theory. The eggheads will try to trick you into believing that they can tell you how big triangles are without measuring them.

If true it would be a god-hating devil worshipping trick but good folks can defeat this evil with the power of the truth of the Christ!

Try this –

1. Just let Christ’s love fill you and take a deep breath
2. Take your pencil and paper and draw
3. You will find you can draw the sides of triangle to be any length you want – That’s because God gave you Free Will. That something the communist eggheads can’t do!

Just try this proof of what I’m saying.

1) Draw a triangle of any size on a piece of paper and measure the sides of the triangle and write them on the paper.
2) Phone up your local godless communist university and ask to speak to one of their chief eggheads.
3) They will probably try to avoid your questions by telling you that they are busy of some other dance – typical godless liars– they don’t want to be shown up as the liars they are. Maybe you’ll have to pretend to be a student or something.
4) If you can get through to an egghead, tell them you’ve drawn a triangle and ask him/her to use Pythagoras’s Devil Magic to tell you how long the sides are.
5) The atheist liar will try to trick you into giving him hints – Don’t give him any – Tell the egghead that godless magic wont help him now because you are a soldier of the truth of CHRIST!!
6) He can’t tell you anything. Why? Because he’s just another godless liar – and the devil is a coward if you confront him.

Absurdly, even though you can prove that Pythagoras’ Devil Magic doesn’t work in the light of God’s love, somehow they have tricked some folks into printing it and allowing it into our innocent children’s schoolbooks and classes.

Just so you know how to recognize this devil-loving lie here is what an egghead told me about it.

1. They have these blasphemous godless names for the three sides of the triangle– “Hippopota- Moose”, “A.J.’s End”, and “Oppose It”.

I worked out myself that a “Hippopota- Moose” is the name of some evil genetic monster combination of a Hippopotamus and a Moose. That’s obviously evil.
“A.J.’s End” must be some sort of weirdo liberal bathroom humor – some “hiney” joke that I don’t get – that makes it evil.
“Oppose it” is obviously a message to other devil worshippers to whine about anything that Godly conservatives say to distract them from noticing how many of these godless lies are being sneaked into our children’s schools. In context of the other two names it must be evil too – that’s obvious.

2. They use some nonsense to define this devil magic. It’s probably a chant or something you have to write in blood on the walls.
a2 + b2 = c2

No matter what this means it’s obviously evil – If you find this written in your little ones schoolbooks it’s too late. Your best bet is probably to drown them in the bathtub next chance you get. You must save their soul, and God will forgive you.

3. This is the clincher to my case. Pythagoras was a pagan who believed he once heard the words of a passed friend in the bark of a dog.

Is the work of this lunatic really fit for teaching to our kids as the unquestioned and unchallenged truth?

I think not.

Our kid’s eternal souls must be protected from the work of godless freaks.

Yours in Christ,
Reverand A. Marmaduke Ashen

12 thoughts on “More Nonsense Scientific “Theories” perverting our children’s minds

  1. …I think this calls for a “what the fuck?!?”

    I think SOMEBODY hasnt gotten their daily dose of reality today…maybe the orderlies can assist him with that >_>

    *prepares strait jacket*

  2. Alright, I confess, I made it up, and our good Reverend A. Duke Ashen is me (A dook ashen – adoEducation) is purely of my creation.

    I’m just wondering whether I should freak out some fundie boards with this or something.

    By the way, Tish ROTFLMAOOL at your comment – Literally.

    Link, “WTF?” is right, sorry I freaked you out but I have been scheming on this for a while.

    This is just how absurd “Intelligent Design” really is.

    It really is “Drown my kids in the bathtub for having formulae in their schoolbooks” crazy.

    Question is, is it funny and/or contraversial enough to put this “out there”?




  3. I thought it was pretty fucking funny, hence why I put it in the Humor category, but then I have a fairly dark sense of humor so your mileage may vary.

  4. Les, Many thanks for your approval, and for moving this to humor – the right slot I think.

    For a guy who writes so well to describe my nonsense as “Fucking funny” gives me a warm and fuzzy kinda feeling – not that warm and fuzzy feeling – you know.. the “I’m worth more than shit” emotional high one might get from validation from others.

    Thanks to Eric Melech too. Thanks Eric, I’m glad I could get a laugh.

    My question to you all is should I send this elsewhere?
    …. and if so where?
    Like submit it to, or have it posted at a Republican fan-club forum that is frequented by some colourful fundie Christian characters that I know well.

    Other places that I thought of are the home site for the “Flying Spagetti Monster” concept that became so popular this past year, Comedy Central’s “Daily Show” or “Colbert Report” forums.

    Other interestingly defiant things to do might involve sending it to the Kansas School Board or anywhere else in the American Public Education system where the acceptance of science is in debate.

    Alternatively it could just be our dirty little secret, one of our own little gags that we keep all to ourselves.

    Your thoughts good people, please.



  5. Deoxy, did you hear how some atheists are even claiming that pi is not exactly three, contrary to what the Bible teaches us:

    1st Kings 7:23 (and retold in 2nd Chronicles 4:2) relates: “He made the Sea of cast metal, circular in shape, measuring ten cubits from rim to rim and five cubits high. It took a line of thirty cubits to measure around it.”

    What will they say next?  That the Earth is round?

  6. Zilch – it’s a good point – for me it’s evidence that they had not intellectualized the concept of a ratio between a radius and a circumference of a circle – this is perfectly explicable if you accept the reality that the bible is a product of man and not a document of the divine. 

    As for nailing them on this one they actually have an excuse that seems to work out or at least I’m not smart enough to come up with a good way of debunking it – it’s about the “rim to rim” bit.
    If you read the rest of the chapter you can find out the size of the rim – the rim of the metal deals with the imprecision – alledgedly.

    Oh fucking hell I have to find the remote or two 12” screwdrivers to stab into my ear canals –  the “Childrens Bible Songs” commercial is on again.

    Thankfully I found the remote before I found the screwdrivers.

    Phew.. that was a close one.

    Anyway. My only reply is that this is working backwards – and of course the answer works backwards – it’s like saying “Wow – what a miricle – they were capable of applying a measurement fairly accurately.”

    That isnt very convincing as an anti-innerancy – it’s not really debugging anything, it’s just saying that the whole thing doesnt have any miraculous or supernatural component.

    When we look at the bible to critique it we are looking for errors to show that one of the main components of Deity – in this case Omniscience (All-knowing) – is provably not present in the biblical scriptures.

    The Fundies claim that the Christian bible (particularly the King James Version) is “God breathed” and “Inerrant to the word”.
    They will stick to this like glue no matter how many lies they have to tell.

    We can already prove that the Deity component of omni-benevolence is not present in the bible – the bible is full of cruelty, injustice, and such evil traits as racism, slavery and misogyny, rape, child molestation, the trading of children as currency etc. etc. are strongly evident and are not just uncondemned but in fact are encouraged and supported.

    The fundamentalists do not accept this, making excuses here and there and picking and choosing the passages that are literal and the ones that aren’t.  It’s a very convenient way to preserve the fantasy that is the Christian religion.

    The really worrying this is that they are rewriting history.
    The latest this is that Hitler was an atheist (despite his declarations of Christian faith in “Mein Kampf”) and that the whole Nazi Movement were socialist liberals and that the whole holocaust was one big darwinian liberal campaign.

    Flat Earth
    Reality – A belief that most fundamentalist Christians held to be the unswerving truth based on scripture until it clashed with the space race and communism.

    Christian Apologists rewrite – “No Christian ever believed that the earth was flat”.
    They even use a scripture that says that the earth is a “Circle” to reinforce their point –
    Somehow they didn’t pass 3rd grade geometry and get the difference between 2 and 3 dimensional concepts.


    Reality – Niklaus Copernicus was killed by the Christian establishment for asserting that the earth revolved around the sun, and that they sun is the centre of our universe.

    Christian Apologists rewrite – Now it is Copernicus insisted that the sun was an unmoving object – Christian intellectuals prove that the sun is moving through space, just like the earth is.  Centre of the universe? Not relevant because nothing is static therefore there is no true centre of the universe. God is the centre of the universe.  Copernicus committed suicide because he was humiliated

    You see where this is going.



  7. I read this to my wife last night and she laughed.

    She cracked up at Tish’s comment though.

    Poor Atomic Kitty.



  8. Ummph… no more posts.

    I was hoping I’d be hit up with a bunch of suggestions for improvements to the piece and suggestions for what we could do with this idea for fun.

    I know we’re all jaded but come on, it’s the holidays – remember the reason for the season folks – Someone tortured some freaky beardy jewish prophet guy to death a couple of millenia ago and the date of pagan celebrations such as saturnalia and other winter solstice traditions fit nicely when Christians came to conquer Europe so they thought – screw it – Jesus’s birthday was in late December – that’s easiest for the damn pagans to remember.

    Come on people, perk up.

    It’s our eternal souls on the line here blah blah emotional blackmail etc. etc.



  9. I got sucked in – thinking you were serious until the 2nd or 3rd paragraph.  At that point, I was thinking, “He can’t be serious.”  Glad I was right. 

    Maybe you could add a bit of the old brimstone to spice it up a bit. You know, a couple of, “Hell is full of uppity know-it-alls” and “Beg your God for mercy when He judges your evolutionary iniquity” and such like.

    Cheers, Michael

  10. Thanks Michael [Peacock],

    I’m kind of unsure whether to try to make this seem more realistic for more effect or less realistic for more humor.

    You’re right though, Brimstone is a lovely way to spice these things up.



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