The looming threat of Unitarian Jihad!

Thomas Jefferson once wrote in a letter to Waterhouse back in 1822, “I trust there is not a young man now living in the United States who will not die a Unitarian.” Jefferson admired the Unitarian Universalism movement mainly because of its dedication to intellectual freedom and reason. As an organization they are known for being liberal and tolerant of all belief systems, but it appears that all of that is about to change:

The following is the first communique from a group calling itself Unitarian Jihad. It was sent to me at The Chronicle via an anonymous spam remailer. I have no idea whether other news organizations have received this communique, and, if so, why they have not chosen to print it. Perhaps they fear starting a panic. I feel strongly that the truth, no matter how alarming, trivial or disgusting, must always be told. I am pleased to report that the words below are at least not disgusting:

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by the secretary.

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except Buddhism—14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by angry people who think that God talks to them. You have a right to your moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use the IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic expression!

People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at you??? Whatever happened to … you know, everything? Why is the news dominated by nutballs saying that the Ten Commandments have to be tattooed inside the eyelids of every American, or that Allah has told them to kill Americans in order to rid the world of Satan, or that Yahweh has instructed them to go live wherever they feel like, or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great idea? Sister Immaculate Dagger of Peace notes for the record that we mean no disrespect to Jews, Muslims, Christians or Hindus. Referred back to the committee of the whole for further discussion.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born again, nor have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think that God cares what we read, what we eat or whom we sleep with. Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the record that he does not have a moral code but is nevertheless a good person, and Unexalted Leader Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates that Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity is a good person, and this is to be reflected in the minutes.

Yes, it’s a bit of satire of the Unitarians, but it makes a good point in the course of its fun which I’ll reproduce for you here:

We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: “Sincerity is not enough.” We have heard from enough sincere people to last a lifetime already. Just because you believe it’s true doesn’t make it true. Just because your motives are pure doesn’t mean you are not doing harm. Get a dog, or comfort someone in a nursing home, or just feed the birds in the park. Play basketball. Lighten up. The world is not out to get you, except in the sense that the world is out to get everyone.

Good advice for everyone, myself included.

Thanks to Jonathan for passing that along via email.

6 thoughts on “The looming threat of Unitarian Jihad!

  1. as i said in my book
    ** Deism – The Deists in general have a philosophy that is generally appealing.  Deists (such as Voltaire, Rousseau and Tindal) believe that although God is the creator of the universe and the grantor of human rights as conscious beings, it does not interfere with humanity or favor one person or nation over the other.  This pretty well corresponds to the way things are in the “real world

  2. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation (Fenderson)? Sister Immaculate Dagger of Peace (Fenderson)? Those aren’t Unitarians, those are Discordians! (Good to see Her works being carried out in all arenas fnord.)

  3. That is just wonderful.  It more than makes up for all the burning question marks those Unitarian nutjobs put up on their lawns.

  4. Brilliant- I’m Brother Shuriken of Enlightened Compassion.  The biggest problem with religeon in UK appears to be the stuff we import from USA and Middle East.  (and I got a cool spam prevention word- ‘Why’)

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