By Peter Fredson

The first spring day has finally come. Everyone feels good to be alive after a harsh winter. Astronomical spring begins around March 21st, on the Vernal Equinox and continues until the 1st of June. The long hours of dark gradually give way to longer hours of light. Surfing the Internet brings out interesting data about this time.

At the vernal equinox the sun is directly over the equator. It rises due east and sets due west—except near the poles—and the length of daylight is about the same everywhere: 12 hours, 8 minutes.

Neanderthalers must have been terrified to believe that the sun was slowly disappearing, day by day, until in late February the dark hours seemed endless.  We know that later societies observed rituals intended to cajole the sun to return, and that they held festivals of joy at the evidence that darkness would become sunlight.

Easter is the Supreme Holy Day of Christianity. It celebrates the myth of reanimation from death of the sun god, Jesus. Easter is a blend of Christian and non-Christian mythology. The Christian side is shown by Jesus on crosses and the pagan side by Easter Eggs, bunnies and little chickens.


Archbishop William Gooley of the Manhattan Branch of The Reformed Church of the Redeemer has again created dissention among the faithful. He announced that the Church Council, after years of study of all relevant documentation and evidence, has reluctantly concluded that all pagan elements of Easter must be stricken from Christian observances. He stated: “The reason for the season is JESUS, not any pagan gods or apocryphal observances coming from the heretics of Assyria and Sumeria or other religions. Well-meaning Christians took rituals from heretical sources to heighten the Christian experience, but this is like trying to improve perfection itself. It is illegitimate, heretical, and turns Easter into reminiscences of barbarism. We intend to purge Christianity of all such excrescences and return it to its original purity. We want everyone to stop the idolatry of rabbits and chickens.”

Bishop Osteen Wilberforce, editor of the BIRMINGHAM RELIGIOUS COURIER, said:
“The only word “Easter”, in the King James version of the Bible, Acts 12:4, says that Herod had put Peter in prison, “intending after Easter to bring him forth to the people” (Acts 12:4). In the original Greek text the word isn’t “Easter”, but “Pesach”, or “Passover.”  The name was changed illegitimately, bringing people into juxtaposition with pagan rituals and entities. Exodus 34:14 says: “For you shall worship no other god, for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.”

“Asherah” the Greek form of Easter in the Septuagint is “Astarte”, a Babylonian goddess of the sea. She was mother of several gods, including Ba’al, the Babylonian sun god. Canaanites named these female deities the Ashereh or Asherim. They were carved of wood from an evergreen tree, or erected in Canaanite homes as full trees. The Asherim were fertility gods of the spring equinox, when days and nights were about equal length, signifying the beginning of living things. A ritual was performed on the first Sunday of the equinox when people would face the rising of the sun, the symbol of the sun god, Ba’al. Then the children would hunt for eggs, symbolic of sex, fertility and new life. It was said that eggs came from rabbits are symbolic of lust, sexual prowess and reproduction.”

“Anglo-Saxons in the middle ages thought the Universe was hatched from an enormous egg. So, decorating eggs was to honor their pagan gods. “

“The Roman Catholic Church adopted this tradition and named it EASTER around 155 A.D. According to the CATHOLIC ENCYCLOPEDIA, Easter was named after an Anglo-Saxon goddess named Eostre, goddess of the dawn. Hence, since the original practice of Asherah worship we now have a counterfeit holiday for the celebration of Easter.  We must return to the true Christian festival of the Passover when Christ died on the cross as our Passover Lamb. He is not an egg, or chicken or rabbit.”

“The reason the death of Jesus is of importance to Christians is because Jesus died for their sins so they get to live forever with him when they die. Because Jesus survived death, believers will too. But they won’t do it with chickens and rabbits.”

Bishop Wilberforce continued: “Because all our research showed that some early good-will Christians adopted pagan customs illegitimately we resolutely must insist on wresting these apostate reminiscences from our glorious religion. “

For the uninitiated non-Christian we should explain that Christians celebrate the death and rebirth of the god Jesus in a grotesque cannibalistic ritual of symbolically eating his flesh and drinking his blood! This bizarre custom, known as “Holy Communion”, might be called “swallow the leader.” Evidently, to be a happy well-adjusted Christian you should observe Easter by eating human flesh and blood.

It’s time to stop making colored Easter eggs and chocolate bunnies. Churches should give out palm fronds, put ashes on people’s foreheads, drink the blood of Jesus, and make signs of crosses in the air.  Probably the most noble person put on a cross was Spartacus, but he died giving people freedom, and that’s not Christian.

It would be unfair for manufacturers to suddenly stop making Easter Produce. News items and blogs concerning Easter have shown a few suggestions for marketing chocolate images of Jesus for Easter, for those that think the Easter Bunny is too secular and blasphemous for the holiday. This fits in with the last supper where everyone eats the body of Christ. Some people suggest a kind of drink to go along with it, a purple drink for adults, called Bloody Jesus, to accompany a Bloody Mary.  And there could be a non-alcoholic drink called Jesus Joy Juice for the kiddies.

A blogger suggestion is that we make little fuzzy images of Jesus out of pink and blue marshmallow instead of little chicks, and perhaps make chocolate images of Jesus, both solid and hollow with big rabbit ears to bite off first.  It is well known that chicks and bunnies are given to children and that the animals are often abused, tortured and abandoned. We can avoid such cruelty to bunnies and little chickens, by substituting the Christ image. We could have “Christ in a Basket” surrounded by heavenly yellow streamers, or little bobble-headed Christs in rear windows of cars. And for Easter cleansing we could have “Christ on a rope” soap.

As a curiosity some blogger calculated that if Jesus rose from the dead, and went to Heaven, and if Heaven is outside the known universe, and if the laws of nature invented by god apply to god, then Jesus could not travel faster than the speed of light. If he left for Heaven two thousand years ago, he isn’t there yet, and won’t be there for some time. So, we really shouldn’t concern ourselves about his return to earth.

Finally, while surfing the net I found this gem.

“There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, Repeating over and over……..
……. “There’s an ‘R’!!!,
      ….. there IS an ‘R’!!!
      ….  the word is celibRate!”



  1. That essay was trucking along quite nicely until the final two words:

    “Happy Solstice”

    Then it flamed out in a blast of absurdity, and I was sent spinning out into hyperspace, where I did battle with assorted animated appliances and one-eyed aliens and…

    Um, it’s equinox. Spring equinox, fall equinox, summer and winter solstices. Please get it straight. I am tired of being kidnapped by space aliens and shooting toasters with vacuum cleaner cannons.

  2. Sunfell: Actually, I was just pointing to the next seasonal phenomenon to anticipate, and saying the equivalent of “Merry Something or Other.

  3. Ah, I understand. Maybe these aliens will now put me down and go away. Every time I think about Summer Solstice, I hear the melody, “June is busting out all over”.

    Me and my oddly wired brain…


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