I have a bad tendency to stay up late even when I do have to get up in the morning and it only gets worse when I don’t have to get up, but tonight I was going to try getting to bed at a (more) reasonable time for a change in part because I didn’t sleep too well last night and I’ve been feeling tired and lethargic all day. This is a familiar refrain from me I realize, but usually when I’m feeling out of it during the day I make good on my self-promise to call it an early night.
The brain isn’t being too cooperative, though. I think the stress of being unemployed combined with being mildly worried about my Dad is finally starting to get the better of me. I haven’t been particularly worried about either issue for the most part, but for reasons I can’t grasp it’s all that I can think about when I climb into bed and try to close my eyes tonight.
It’s now been three weeks since my last position ended and that’s the longest I’ve been unemployed since I was a teenager. Endless stories from others about being unemployed for 8 months or more combined with the fact that I’ve had one solitary interview in all this time is, to put it mildly, starting to gnaw at me a bit. I’ve gotta have at least 50 resumes out there by now and a dozen different contract houses and yet not a single phone call other than from the contract houses saying they’re looking. In the past I’d at least get a letter or a phone call telling me to piss off if I wasn’t going to get the job so this complete lack of feedback is disconcerting. I should be getting my final paycheck on Friday which should give me one more month of health insurance and paying the bills and there’s still quite a bit of my income tax return sitting in the bank so I’m probably good for another two months or so, but that’s not a comforting thought. Trying to live on unemployment is not going to work for us.
As for my Dad, I know rationally that there’s not a whole lot I can do about his situation myself other than be there for him, sit patiently, and hope for the best. That, too, is sticking in my craw. It probably wouldn’t have developed into the stressor it has if the surgery had gone off when it was scheduled to, but this additional delay while he gets over his pneumonia leaves me with nothing but time to spend developing worries over it.
I’m a lot better than I used to be when it comes to worrying about things. When I was younger I used to worry about everything and when I didn’t have anything to worry about I’d worry about not having anything to worry about because it meant something worth worrying about was about to happen. Stupid, I know, but I had a much lower self-esteem as a teenager. These days I manage my worries pretty well, but occasionally they build up and lead to sleepless nights like this one. I think the fact that I didn’t sleep well last night contributes to the problem as being tired during the day means I have less control over what my brain is focusing on.
I know I’m tired at the moment cause I can feel it in every part of my body except my mind. That part is wide awake and showing no signs of slowing down anytime soon. So, rather than lay in bed tossing and turning and waking Anne up repeatedly, I figured I’d get up and whine about it on the blog. Anne’s getting up at 6AM to drive Courtney into school because of some need to transport some project materials Courtney is taking with her so I don’t want to disturb Anne’s sleep if I can avoid it. I hadn’t used the laptop in awhile so I dug it out and here I am. So that’s why I’m still awake when I promised myself I wouldn’t be. Man I hope this is more interesting than it sounds when I read it back to myself.