Jesus: The Lost Years / Episode 29: Camping With Jesus

Every so often, as demonstrated in the Bible, some lucky human gets a chance to spend some quality time with Jesus. The couple I introduced you to in the thread: Excellent Op-Ed on the Pledge case had such an opportunity, perhaps because Jesus began showing up at their door around dinnertime, always knocking and shouting through the door “BEHOLD, I stand at the door and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him; and he with me.”

Granted it would have been difficult not to hear his voice since he shouted, but our erstwhile couple, being decent folk, as easily excited by this celebrity’s attention as you or I surely would be, always invited him in and fed him.

As time passed and agreeable, if murky conversation ensued, our couple began to consider Jesus a friend. One evening, as conversation turned to discussions of the meaning of life, the husband (let’s call him Brad) said to his wife (let’s call her Janet):

Brad: “You know, I always feel closest to nature and life when I’m camping. Then, while sitting before a campfire looking up at a star filled sky, I think of questions I’ve always had about humanity and where we came from and why.”

Janet: “Oh I haven’t been camping in ages. I know exactly what you mean. That type of communion with nature brings out the philosopher in me too. We should go camping sometime soon.”

Brad: “I’m game. How about you Jesus? Would you like to go camping with us?”

Jesus: “Yea, it hath been many years since I have been in a wild place. Forty days and forty nights did’st my sojourn last when I wast last led up of the spirit into the wilderness. (pauses and looks first to Brad, then Janet) It is worrisome to me though to consider; wouldst thou be seeking to tempt me in this wilderness?”

Janet: “What?…No!…. Of course not! I love my husband and he isn’t like THAT anyway.”

Brad: “I don’t think that’s what he means Janet. I believe he fears we will force him into a crisis of consciousness. He believes he is the son of God, remember, and he’s afraid we will tempt him to forsake his Father.”

Jesus: “Get thee hence, Satan: for it is written, Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve.”

Janet. “I think you’re right Brad and he appears to be having a flashback….Jesus….Jesus…don’t worry. We’re just going to go camping for fun. Fresh air, sleeping in a tent in sleeping bags, hiking, maybe some fishing and a big cheery campfire in the evening to set things right.”

Jesus: “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.”

Janet: “Thanks hon, but I’ve got a man already and I have no intention of throwing him back.”

Brad: (grinning) “It’s settled then. We’ll go camping this weekend and it’ll be so much fun. No worries; just one with nature we each will be.”

So, as they had planned, they left that weekend for two days of camping. We return to their conversations now at the campsite:

Brad: “Jesus…hoy…over here dude. This looks like a good spot to camp doesn’t it?”

Jesus: “Verily it is so. Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?”

Brad: “A simple yea would have sufficed.” (Whispering aside to Janet) “This guy never has a simple sensible response for anything, does he?”

Janet: (Whispering back) “ Go easy on him, Brad. He’s lived a very sheltered life. I’m just glad he’s decided to hang out with normal people. The man couldn’t have many friends when you think about it. At least not real friends. He’s usually hanging with people who think they’re so much better than everybody else – like they’re Saints or something. And consider his Dad – There’s an egomaniacal intellectual elitist effete if I ever knew one. The man crucified his own son for crying out loud! That had to create some heavy issues for Jesus. Let’s try to get his mind off lofty pursuits for a little while. The lack of attention for a day or two to his purpose in life will do him a world of good.”

Brad: “He seems more relaxed already. (Smiling) Look at him trying to assemble that tent. He’s loving this experience so much he‘s doing things the hard way.”

Janet: “I just wish he would take off that huge cross roped to his back. He never goes anywhere without it and it’s ridiculous. It’ll take him hours to get the tent up with that thing compromising every move he makes.”

Brad: “You’ve told him to ditch it. I’ve told him to ditch it. He doesn’t listen. He considers it his cross to bear and nothing we say will cause him to abandon it. (Pause) You know, I feel guilty for saying it but I definitely believe Jesus would “pitch a tent” for you.

Janet: “Yeah,  it’d be a pup tent no doubt, but I’m not the least bit interested. Besides, what gives you the impression he’s hot for me?”

Brad: “No one thing by itself. I’ve just noticed the way he looks at you sometimes.”

Janet: “Maybe we should ask him. You know, get it out in the open and deal with it like adults.”

Brad: “ You may feel safe enough standing on this mountain top but I’m not tempting any stray lightening to find me. Let’s just assume his feelings will remain unrequited, if he even has them.”

Janet: “You brought it up”

Brad: “True, and I’m happy to let it go too.”

Janet: “I’m not. I’m going to flirt with him later just for fun”

Brad: “And you’ll be on a cross of your own come daybreak if the local residents hear of it before then…..You’re seriously gonna do this aren’t you?”

Janet: “No way, silly! I just wanted to see if I could make you jealous.”

Brad: “Jealous of Jesus? Yeah, right!”

Later that night sitting around a crackling campfire:

Janet: (Jumping up, beating and brushing her leg with both hands) “ What the fuck!…Holy shit, a goddamn spark jumped out of the fire and burnt me!”

(With this, Jesus struggles to stand with the heavy cross fighting him. He labors his way over to Janet,  puts his fingers into her ears, then spits, and touches his tongue. Looking up to the heaven he believes in, he sighs and says to her) :

Jesus “Be opened! The demon is loosed from you.”

( Janet stares at him as though he has gone mad then slowly begins to comprehend his meaning)

Janet: “Oh…you thought a demon had entered me and took over my speech. You exorcised me!… This is too much.” (she begins to laugh) “Jesus sweetie, It’s no biggie in need of a miracle. I was surprised when that piece of burning wood popped out. Campfires do that. That’s what I get for sitting so close….Well you’re just a regular little super hero aren’t you?”

Jesus: “Tell no one of this miracle.”

Janet: “Your secret’s safe with me. I wouldn’t know who to tell or what to tell them anyway. Excuse me though. I need to go to the tent and find the first aid kit” (She goes off to treat her burn and Brad turns to Jesus.)

Brad: “You know, that reminds me, Jesus. When you enacted miracles in the Bible, you would often tell those who witnessed it to tell no one of it. What’s up with that? I mean, they ALWAYS told about it later. They put it in the BIBLE, for Christ’s sake! So what’s the truth? Are you really that modest or did you just realize that by telling them not to mention it, they would be more likely to?

Jesus: “O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you, and suffer you?”

Brad: “Uh…You call that an answer?”

Jesus: “Yea rather, blessed are they that hear the word of God, and keep it. Can ye make the children of the bridechamber fast, while the bridegroom is with them?”

Brad: “Dude, you have got to learn to speak like the rest of us. You NEVER make sense to me. How on earth did you become the spokesman for God anyway? And that’s the second time you’ve mentioned that.…Look, it was years ago and we’d had too much to drink. I was nervous from the wedding and well, one thing led to another…

Jesus: “Let your loins be girded about, and your lights burning.”

Brad: “….are…you…uh….coming…on…to me?”

Jesus: (sighs again in exasperation and looks directly at Brad.) “Be ye therefore ready also: for the Son of man cometh at an hour when ye think not…..oh, hell, I’ve had it with the archaic speech! Truth is, I am so freaking horny, man! Gaaaaah! I don’t care anymore whom I anoint. One of you is getting some of this before the night is over.” (He rushes over – well, as fast as a Messiah can go with a huge cross roped to his back – and puts his arms around Brad and kisses him.)

(Just then Janet returns from the tent with the first aid kit in hand)

Janet: “Brad!”

Brad: “Janet!…I wouldn’t have – I couldn’t have – I’ve never – never!…

Jesus: (Ignoring Janet)  “Give yourself over to absolute pleasure. Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh. Erotic nightmares beyond any measure, and sensual daydreams to treasure forever. Don‘t dream it – be it” (He snaps his fingers and now the three are standing in the tent together naked)

Janet: “This is the craziest pairing that could ever be, but don’t turn on the lights cause I don’t wanna see.”

(A bunch of embarrassing moaning and grunting follows)

Finally, in the instance of their shared ecstasy, a glowing ball of fire is forming in the sky above the tent. For a few moments it rests there. Then suddenly it arcs down to the tent and explodes into it. Material, flesh and bone is violently and rapidly consumed until all that remains is a charred spot of ground where the tent once stood.

A Disembodied Voice: “Verily I say unto you, There be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till they see the Son of man coming in his kingdom.”


Next time: “Episode 30: Resurrecting With Jesus”

17 thoughts on “Jesus: The Lost Years / Episode 29: Camping With Jesus

  1. the husband (let’s call him Brad)


    said to his wife (let’s call her Janet):


    … sorry, Rocky Horror Tuerets, ya know…

  2. “Verily I say unto you, that is a long way to go for a bad joke.” Very clever, delicious blasphemy.

  3. Thanks everyone for your clever and complimentary responses and for not being too offended by it (especially ellie; I thought it might scandalize her) and don’t worry, I’ll take the heat for it. I wear my asbestos underwear at all times now.

    I have a problem in that I tend to post what comes into my head and don’t make many corrections or offer amended versions. I go with the first draft usually (except in the case of “The Ballad Of The Stupid Evil Bastard – As Sung By Embry Onik And The Foetones”. That one I worked on and it still didn’t come out much better.) What I say then can come off as cheap shots because of that.

    Humor works best when it catches you by surprise and forces you to recognize the ridiculousness in the accepted and familiar. I wish I could accomplish doing that just once.

    I’m often the Stupidest Evil Bastard here and I just want you guys to know I’m aware of that.

  4. Lol, Brock – you will burn in Hell for this. Just like the revisionist historians (and Oliver Stone) who said that Alexander the Great was gay.

  5. Brock- delicious.  But in addition to the asbestos underwear, you’d better put out lots of scorpion traps…

  6. Forget scorpions…..he needs frog and locust traps! 

    I’m not sure whether to be funny or disgusted!  gulp

  7. Slick said: I’m not sure whether to be funny or disgusted!

    Be disgusted if that’s what makes you feel better. It was, I suspect, at least one of the feelings I was hoping to engender.

    However if it inspires you to then be funny, go for it! Whatever you feel counts.

    Let your loins be girded about, and your lights burning, dude.

    BTW. Where are those fundies other posters get? Jesus in a camper van, what do I have to say to attract them!

  8. lol Brock.  In retrospect, I meant to say “to laugh or be disgusted”, but it was 5:51 AM when I posted it, and I’d been up all night, sooooooo……

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