Jesus: The Lost Years/ Episode 13: The Matchmaking Service

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Name: Jesus

Location: Heaven

Birthdate: 33 BC and 0 AD

Physical Address: N/A

Phone #: 1-GET-2HEAVEN

Email Address:

Personal Webpage: Far too many to list here.

Height: 5’ 4”

Weight: I have the weight of the world on My shoulders.

Male/ Female: Yes

Your Age: 33 forever

Age Range You Prefer: Suffer the children to come unto Me but I will accept all ages.

Please Choose your preferred dating area. You may NOT choose the entire country as your preferred area: Why not? Can I chose the whole world? I am not hindered by the inability to travel anywhere.

Please list up to 8 languages which you speak well enough for communication: I speak all languages equally well and I understand the hearts of Man.

Education Level Achieved: There is nothing between heaven and earth that is unknown to Me. I created the tests.

Marital Status: Single – Duh!

Children From Previous Relations: All are My children for the time being.

What Are your Present Living Conditions?: I commute. I am a duel resident.

Financial Status: No Earthly possessions

Main Employment Status: Savior/ Shepard/ Own my own business.

Do you have a car?: What is a car?

Religion: Mine

Religious Convictions: I believe in Myself.

Political Leanings: Extreme leftist (radical).

Do you smoke: It would be anathema to Me to be on fire and where there is smoke, there is fire.

Do You Drink / If So, How Often?: A glass of wine now and then when I take the trouble to turn water into it.

Race/ Origin: Jewish

Handicap?: I am hampered by a huge cross roped to My back, but it is Mine to bear.

Intelligence – Below Average/ Average/ Above Average: Extremely above average. As you would say:  “Away from the park”.

Excellence in Studies: I was sorely tested and received the sins of the world. I was crucified and resurrected. I‘d like to see someone else accomplish that.

Past Experience with the opposite sex: Well, there was this girl named Mary Magdalene. We had some moments. ie, she washed My feet once. Is that “Getting to third base”?

How would you rate your appearance: I’m not what you would call a “looker“. I am extremely short and hairy.

Dress You Prefer: Uber casual.

Hair Length: Yes

Hair Color: It was dark brown when I was in human form. It is normally white and very shiny.

Eye Color: Brown when I was in human form.

How would you describe yourself in one sentence: I am to die for.

Facial Hair: What is “Facial Hair”?

Facial Complexion: It is impossible to gaze upon My face.

Main Need In The Relationship At Present: I desire someone to worship Me. Sex isn’t entirely out of the question, as long as it is about adoring only me.

Most Preferred Kind Of Relationship At Present: Totally committed to Me.

Attitude Toward Marriage: I’m fine with it as long as it is between a man and a woman.

Attitude Toward Having Children: Tried that once. I crucified Him/Me. It is not necessary or even advisable at this time.

Attitude Toward Beating Kids: Spare the rod and you spoil your child.

Who Should More Give Up In Case Of Career Conflict: Anyone but Me.

Who Should Give More Financial Support To Family: I shall provide for every need, and I mean EVERY need.

Who Should More Run Financial Matters: You should render therefore unto Cesar what is Cesar’s.

Who Should More Clean The House: God. Oh, do you mean as in the euphemism “clean house” or as in straighten the house? The answer would still be God.

Who Should Pamper The Other More: Is this a trick question?

Who Should Take Care Of The Children: Definitely Me. It’s what I’m known for.

Who Should Be Consulted On Important Decisions?: That would be Me again.

The Best Way To Settle A Conflict With Mate Is: Ask My forgiveness.

How Orderly Should The Home Be? If we’re talking about in Heaven, it’s purely an academic question. If we are talking about on earth: One’s house should be in order, definitely.

Preferred Living Place?: In My Father’s house.

Preferred Pet Type: It doesn’t matter because man was given dominion over all of them.

Music Preference: Any music that mentions or glorifies me. I’m also rather partial to Barbara Streisand. I abhor Country and Western.

Do You Like Music Of The Sixties and Seventies?: Disco sucks!

Preferred Activities Together: Anything that involves worshiping Me.

Most Liked Kind Of Movies: Anything by Mel Gibson.

Do you like dancing: No! Dancing is a sin!

Preferred Activities Together: I like going to friend’s houses and knocking on the door and saying: “BEHOLD, I stand at the door and knock: if any man hear My voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him; and he with Me.” I like the free food and I absolutely adore saying “Behold”. It is an extremely powerful word.

Do You Like To Travel: I love it! Being a Messiah requires it.

Do you believe in astrology?: Absolutely! I’m a Libra if there ever was one.

Are You Interested In:

Science: Nope

Biology: Yep

Chemistry: Yes, I have a keen interest in chemistry.

The Arts: Anything that Mel Gibson is involved with.

Philosophy: It has it‘s uses.

Theology: I invented it.

Games: I suck at games.

Computers: What is a computer?

Cooking: Only what I can rustle up out of thin air. I’m no Epicure. I think bread is the life, hee hee.

Other Cultures: I prefer the Middle East and the Americas, in that order.

Ecology And Saving The Planet: Oh, I’m all about saving the planet. Also, did you know that “Earth Shoes” was my idea, as was sandals.

Education: I see no use for education.

Electronics: What is “Electronics“? Is that a false religion where one elects to believe in ronics?

Sports: I hold the world’s record for cross hanging.

Fishing: Definitely. I am a fisher of men.

Gardening: I can grow anything.

Journalism: I wrote a book once. Did I mention that yet?

Karate or Judo: No, I turn the other cheek too much.

Law: I created the only Laws worth knowing.

Literature: See previous answer.

Mathematics: I have this neat multiplying trick using loaves and fishes.

Singing: Sorry, I’m tone deaf.

Parapsychology: I find it rather boring.

Photography: What is “Photography“?

Physics: I can bend the laws of physics but I don’t like to show off.

Politics: Hate it.

Psychology: Not sure what that is.

Reading Books: I’ve never read one. I wrote one once.

Social Work: Only if it promotes my aims.

Swimming/ Diving/ Surfing: Does baptizing count? I plan to try surfing someday.

Teaching/ Instructing: I’m all about that.

Technical/Mechanical Things: I’m not visceral. I’m better at the laying on of hands. If I can smack it I can fix it.

Tennis: Only because it concerns love.

Yoga Or Meditation: Hardly!

Sense Of Humor: I have no sense of humor.

Tendency To Smile: If I have to. I don’t tend to.

Self Confidence: I’m a bit insecure. I want everyone to love Me and My feelings are easily hurt if someone doesn’t.

Anger Management: I have had some issues with that.

Great Plans And Dreams To Achieve: I hope to save the world someday.

Any Mental Problems?: Some say I have a Martyr Complex. I think they’re just jealous because they don’t have goals of their own.

Willing To Work Hard In Order To Succeed: I’m willing to die for My beliefs and to construct a new covenant.

Do You Tend To Go Your Own Way Rather Than Follow Other’s Rules: That is a colossal understatement!

Do You Find It Easy to talk About Yourself?: I prefer it.

Are You Critical Of The Way Our Present Society Is Organized?: Are you reading My mind?

Do You Like To Pamper Persons Close To You?: You have NO idea.

Do You Tend To Take Care Of Yourself Before Others?: Yes! Is that wrong?

Do You Usually Ignore What Others Might Think Of You?: No, never!

Do You Have High Moral Values?: Again, you have no idea!

Do You Often Help Others?: That is a matter of opinion. I could do much more if I applied myself.

Do You Like It When A Mate Pampers You: Oh Yes! I’m a sucker for a foot wash and oil rub. I suspect I have a foot fetish.

Do You like To Listen To Others?: Not so much.

Do You Usually Intuit Easily What Other People Feel And Need?: No, they have to pray before they have a prayer of getting my attention and assistance.


Please sign this questionnaire and return it in the envelope provided, along with the required fees. We look forward to finding your perfect mate (not like “Jesus” perfect, but you know what we mean) and if that mate cannot be located, you will receive a full refund of any fees paid, and unless you are indeed Christ Himself, we have no doubt that we will be able to assist you.

7 thoughts on “Jesus: The Lost Years/ Episode 13: The Matchmaking Service

  1. LOL, thanks shana for encouraging my madness. But I don’t think Jesus needs to rush anything. He has all the time in outside the world.

    However, since it would increase the attention he would receive, you may have an interesting idea there.

  2. More than a little long.  I normally don’t like to criticize, but isn’t there enough about Jebus and the bible that’s comical on its own without having to make stuff up?

    IMO, a post like this would have benefitted from being a fourth its actual length, and using direct quotes to back up the questions/answers that were actually funny.

    The other one, the campfire story was headed in the right direction until it went off track in this regard.  It’s so much funnier to use the words of the text to your twisted ends, rather than making up stuff wholesale.  It’s the difference between clever satire and common derision.  Derision has an amusing schoolyard quality, but only if you have a crowd of like-minded fellows to help you crow.  Satire can be appreciated by a much wider audience, and can even get people to start thinking.

    Sorry to be dickish, but from what I’ve read from you here, you’re too intelligent to continue along this path.  It’s a waste of insight and talent, and does little credit to you.

  3. Skippy, thanks for your opinions and your estimation of my intelligence. I agree that it was much too long but I’m not going to bother with shortening it and I’m loathe to remove it on principle alone. The good, the bad, the ugly and the “no one can agree just what it is” once here should stay here, in my opinion.

    I tend to doubt my value to SEB constantly these days. Maybe it’s best to just read everyone else for a while. Yeah, that’ll work…

  4. Brock –

    I’m really glad you took my comments in the spirit they were intended, i.e. literary fraternity.  Personally, I love feedback, and probably bad more than good.  When I ask someone to review a short story I’ve penned, nothing is more irritating than to have someone say, “It was great.  Loved it.”  This is usually the case when the reader didn’t get it (which is possibly because I didn’t communicate ‘it’ well enough and thus need to know that), or is trying to avoid hurting my feelings when they really didn’t like it (which again would be nice to know).  Even the most avid fan can find faulty points in a well-written document.

    As to value, who’s to judge?  Summed up, the value of everything I’ve posted here still won’t buy me a cup of coffee.  It likely has zero value to anyone else on an emotional, intellectual, or spiritual (if you believe in that stuff) level.  However, the opportunity to express my own thoughts, receive feedback occasionally, and explore my feelings regarding some of the issues discussed in a forum like this are invaluable to ME.  Reading the views and perspectives of others is very interesting to me, and more than once I’ve saved some information I’ve learned here.  It has also prompted me to research other information on sideline topics that are brought up during the course of a given discussion.  For those reasons, I think everyone’s input is valuable.

    Personally, I tend to enjoy your articles and commentary.  I hope you keep it up.

  5. Brock,

    What Shana said and maybe one on Mohammed and Buddha (providing you are not martyred for that). LOL

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