The Ballad Of The Stupid Evil Bastard - (As Sung By Embry Onik And The Foetones)

As I threatened to do months ago, I’ve attempted to improve a quickly fashioned song submission I made to SEB. It started with Les coming up with an idea to make a flash animation and to call it “The Ballad of The Stupid Evil Bastard”, then Eric created a stunning visual to work from. Well, that was all the incentive I needed and while others here likely have more talent for this than I (I do character voices decently sometimes, and hoped that might be how my talents would be utilized), I wrote something some of you have seen, and this is my attempt to perfect it. Whether this submission is any better than my last is easily up for debate. Still, here is my official submission and who am I kidding? – I would love for it to be considered for use in a flash animation.

The Ballad Of The Stupid Evil Bastard
(As Sung By Embry Onik And The Foetones)

(Illustration by Eric Paulsen)

Embry Onik:
There once lived a man who cared for good
though no God told him he even should.
He saw a world that he would change, from being strange
with logic that could be understood.

The Foetones:
But as every mission has a foe,
with this cause too the truth was so.
Bitter little people, who called themselves Gleebles,
chose his conversion to be their goal.

Embry Onik:
A pleasant sort with an ample beard,
and a nose to spell the lamplights clear,
this bastard was able to bring to the table
assertions any would gain to hear.

Embry Onik And The Foetones:
But the Gleebles were quick to lessen
effects words may have on repressions,
while attempting to force their beliefs on the course
of laws only meant to appease some. 

The Gleebles:
Happy we are, we know, clap our hands.
We’ll spread our great cause across the lands. 
Bound by obsessions, we make no base concessions,
except that we must be born again.

The Stupid Evil Bastard:
All the little Gleebles make feeble shouts up to the sky,
pretending to enjoy their lives passing blithely by.
And I was born to prod them to think about their gods when
nothing I can see proves the need for an eternal guy.

Why I can even fathom that life had no divine hand,
It might be just the circumstance of purely random chance.
But all they want is reason minus logic, it’s the season
to assign tribulation to a rule giving firebrand.

It’s difficult to be patient with those who only scream;
“Repent all ye sinners, kiss up to the grand Trinity!” 
Is it really so hopeless that man can create closeness
with others of good intent unless they are all redeemed?

The Gleebles:
We love you, and that’s the gospel truth,
and we will angrily pray for you.
Life is what He made it, don’t try to evade it!
Mindsets like ours are good for the youth.

Our Decalogue warns us as we go
of the very reasons for our woes.
As we lead you, we’ll eventually retrieve you
because our God tells us, “Make it so!”

The Stupid Evil Bastard:
What are other’s beliefs then – only foolish false leads then?
Is their nothing but the narrow way you see it penned?
If I am free to ponder, but don’t believe in yonder,
can our here replace the fantastic place for which you yen?

Enough of surrender to a god demanding respect!
If he provided consistent answers I might reflect.
He gives us rules and breaks them, while we should undertake them
and try to make rhyme and reason of his acute neglect.

The Gleebles:
Happy we are, we know, clap our hands.
Though actions seldom show, clap our hands.
You WILL be a member, so why not surrender?
And gleefully accede our demands.

You say we all came from inert chemicals and gasses
which somehow got up off their non-intelligent asses.
In truth we were dirt, caused, through divine breath, to be alert
and you should reflect only the truth in your passages

You’re a Stupid Evil Bastard who makes thinking too hard.
We grow weary of the thoughts of a heterodox.
If you have more to say, talk to the hands that humbly pray.
We’ve said all that we should ever need to in this regard.

Embry Onik:
And so the debates go until this very day,
and even Bastards equally deserve their say.
When trusting in miracles, instead of empiricals,
some wits are certain to be lost along the way.

The Foetones:
More Stupid Evil Bastards are born constantly.
It’s really the only way awareness should be!
Intellect births noble questions so why not commence then
to ponder love, life, the universe and everything?


4 thoughts on “The Ballad Of The Stupid Evil Bastard - (As Sung By Embry Onik And The Foetones)

  1. Hey Brock—I too am greatly impressed.  Now all we need is for it to be set to music.

  2. Thanks guys, for the kind words. Took me long enough though, huh, to finally submit something I hoped was worth reading?

    It probably wasn’t worth half the effort, at least not to many others, but it was fun. Oh well, you write and you share, and then you go back to your life.

    Truth be told, I’m feeling some doubts as to whether I’m worthy to even speak here, much less, to make Guest Bastard entries. Les is a hard act to follow!

    All to often I feel too much like my captcha word this time, which is “stupid”!

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