WASHINGTON (ALSP) 2:02 PM
President Bush, speaking from the Rose Garden today, announced he is abandoning his run for re-election. When a fusillade of questions immediately followed, he said he wasn’t thinking smart when he decided to run again. The news, coming less than eleven weeks before the August 30 start of the Republican National Convention, has stunned many, especially Vice President Dick Cheney. Support for Bush has been steadily declining over the last several months as more and more leaders question his administration’s motives for going to war with Iraq. Intense searches for WMD have yet to be successful, despite several discoveries that initially appeared to suggest recent Iraqi weapons programs then eventually were proved irrelevant. Additionally, the Abu Ghraib prisoner abuses and documents suggesting the tortures were approved by the Justice Department and the Department of Defense, have raised legitimate doubts that challenge moral veracities of coalition forces and their leaders.
Reasons Bush gives for his departure of the race officially include doubts that he can raise enough funds to totally control the airwaves, fear of receiving fewer votes than Ralph Nader, recent pushes by bipartisan members of Congress to implement better oversight procedures of Administration policies and directives, and Bush’s stated fear that – like father, like son – he will be nationally disgraced once the votes are tallied.
Bush, in an interview following the announcement, said. “I have no doubts, given the level of incompetence I’ve reached, that if I stayed in this election I would experience a shame-inducing repeat of my father‘s fate. There’s an old saying in Peoria – I heard it in Texas, I think…that says ‘Fool me once…Shame on…Shame on you…Fool me, you can’t get fooled again’. I fooled America once and I doubt I can do it again. I have no idea how I managed it the first time.”
Vice President Cheney, who some say is the puppet’s master, suggests that maybe Bush’s decision came about because he took something (Cheney said) out of context.
“We were discussing recent embarrassments in an endless butt load of them and I admitted my fears to the President. I said: ‘George, it’s not going to be as easy of a race as we thought. You may have to work for your re-election.’ He looked at me and appeared to be contemplating my words and then he just sighed and said ‘Et tu, Brute?’ I assumed he was choking on a pretzel again and grabbed him to administer the Heimlich Maneuver, but he slipped out of my grasp and gave me a look I’ve never seen on his face before. I believe he thought I was trying to murder him!”
Condaleeza Rice is confused over his decision too and had harsh words for her boss. “Why, that slope-ee headed cracka. He tole me I would be his National Security Adviser again. He teld me he was going to do away with popular elections and that I would always have this job. He a lie-ya, and I got me no job security.”
Bush, showing no remorse for his decision, spoke at length of future plans. “I’m pretty sure I get to keep the money we’ve raised for re-election efforts and I can afford to take lots of time off just like I do now as President. I won’t be as idle then though. I’ve got dreams I’ve never tried to make come true and will pursue them. For one, I’ve always wanted to be a rodeo clown. Since I was a little boy this was what I wanted. My mother would always say to me, ’Jo Jo Binky Boo, you can grow up to be anything you want to be – even a rodeo clown!’ and I would always holler back at her ’What? I can’t hear you! I lost all the hearing in my right ear when that mean old bull speared me in the head.’ We would laugh and she would usually commence to set me on her knee and tell me ‘Just remember that no matter what you are in life, Stinky Jesus loves you.’ Now that I’m of the Born Again elite, I know he does. How could he not love me? I’m fabulous”
He adds: “I won’t be out of touch with the public like I was as President either. I’m going to have a blog and people can follow my life as closely as they like. I’ve already got a site address; It’s Dubya Dubya Dubya Dot Bush Tha Clown Dot Porn.”