Van Helsing in 15 minutes.

So have you seen Van Helsing yet? No? Good. You’re better off. In all honesty I haven’t seen it either so I’m not expressing an informed opinion here, but I’ve had enough people tell me that they’d highly recommend I spend $17 on a ball-peen hammer and spend two hours smacking myself in the head with it rather than go see this movie because the self-abuse would be less painful and more entertaining that I’m willing to take their word on this one.

Poor Cleolinda made the mistake of going to see this craptastic movie and it’s clear that it has left her permanently brain damaged. To save you the pain and horror of witnessing the film yourself she’s helpfully performed a public service by providing us with Van Helsing in Fifteen Minutes:

VELKAN: Hey, Anna, why don’t we give the whole gang guns with silver bullets?

ANNA: Oh, I’m sure we’ll only need yours. You know, just the one. Have you checked the rope for knots?

VELKAN: Nah, but I’m sure it’s fine.

ANNA: You sure you want to be the bait? I mean, you are the last surviving son of our family and all.

VELKAN: Nah, I’m good.

ANNA: You sure? I mean, I’m sure we’ve got a spare gypsy dude around here—


VELKAN: Nah, man, I’m good. I got ballet skills. No worries.

Everything goes horribly, predictably wrong. Velkan and the werewolf tumble off a cliff.

MUSIC: Dundundundundundundun DUN DUH! DUN DUH!! DUN DUH DUN DUH DUN DUHHHH!!!!

After all the fuss in the past couple of days I was definitely ready for a few good belly laughs and I’m sure I’ve alarmed several coworkers after reading the above here in my cube. It’s way more entertaining than the movie itself could ever hope to be and it takes less time to boot. Go check it out.

Found via my personal hero, Brent.

7 thoughts on “Van Helsing in 15 minutes.

  1. Part of me thinks that this would be the ideal movie to go to…provided you’re with a crowd of likeminded friends. That, and you can manage to overpower the handful of people in the theater who actually wanted to see the movie without snarky audience commentary.

  2. You just like me because I got gymnastic skills and tight pants. No worries.

    And my personal favorite:

    Valerious Manor, East Budafuck

    Anna weeps as her hot beloved brother turns into a badly computer-generated werewolf before her eyes.

    VAN HELSING: I’m going to shoot him!

    ANNA: Don’t shoot him!

    VAN HELSING: I’m going to shoot him!

    ANNA: Don’t shoot him!

    VAN HELSING: I’m going to shoot him!

    ANNA: Don’t shoot him!

    VAN HELSING: He’s not your brother anymore! He’s just a bunch of pixels!

    ANNA: . . .

    Outside in the rain, they have A Moment.

    ANNA: You know, I always wanted to see the sea.

    VAN HELSING: Whatever, Legolas.

    MUSIC: Dundundundundundundun DUN DUH! DUN DUH!! DUN DUH DUN DUH DUN DUHHHH!!!!

    Hehehe. . .

  3. Forgive me for skimming this post and skipping right to the comments… I’m supposed to go see this movie on Sunday as part of my birthday celebration.  I’ve had high hopes, tempered by fear and anticipation, so good or bad, I’m going to see Van Helsing.

    And given my track record with other birthday movies, if Van Helsing *is* bad, it’ll just be part of a longstanding tradition. 

  4. You know, I had the pleasure of watching Van Helsing, and I can honestly say I would rather srub my scrotum with a rusty wire brush. This movie was incredibly craptabulous. It had a poorly written plot, special effects which were very “special” if you catch my drift, and its only good point was that Kate Beckinsale is by far the hottest milf I’ve ever seen. That said, I would have had a better time had I wet myself half way through. Well, at least that would have been more interesting

  5. I really enjoyed it.  The music was loud and thunderous.  The sets were just fantastically, gothically overdone, the actors had to overact just to compete with the ambiance.  Maybe it isn’t everyones cup of tea, but I could see that the actors really enjoyed themselves and that made the movie fun.  My husband’s comments as we left was, “that’s overdone on so many levels, you just have to laugh!”  Go see it.  What’s there to lose?

  6. One perceptive reviewer (the brilliantly acid Anthony Carew from InPress magazine) noticed the ridiculous amount of rope-swinging in the film, including a scene where the Beckinsale Babe swings between two turrets at the very top of the castle, prompting the question - where the &%#$ is that rope attached to???

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