Tips for visiting Detroit.

If you’re planning a visit to Detroit anytime soon for some god-awful reason you can’t avoid and have never been here before then you may find the following tips very handy:

  1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It’s Di-troit – NOT DEE-troit. If you pronounce it DEE-troit then we will assume you are from Toledo and here for the Country Music Hoe-Down.
  2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Detroit has its own version of traffic rules… Hold on and pray! There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Detroit. Everyone drives like that.
  3. When asking for directions, all directions start with, “What do I look like – friggin’ Triple A?”
  4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through rush hour traffic on Jefferson Avenue a “Scenic Drive.”
  5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00AM to 10:00AM. The evening rush hour is from 3:00PM to 7:00PM. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning. Weekends are open game.
  6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot. If you’re first off the starting line when the light turns green, count to five before going. This will avoid getting in the way of cross-traffic who just ran their yellow light and then, again, getting shot.
  7. Schoenherr can ONLY be properly pronounced by a native of the Detroit metro area. That goes for Gratiot and Lahser too.
  8. Construction and renovation on I-94, I-96, I-75 and I-275 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.
  9. All unexplained and unpleasant sights are simplified by the phrase, “I guess we’re not in Kansas anymore!”
  10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect or they are “out-of-towners.”
  11. All old men with blue/white hair wearing a hat have total right-of-way.
  12. The minimum acceptable speed on I-696 is 85 regardless of the posted speeds. Anything less is considered downright SISSY. Oh, and more than a car length between cars doing the minimum is also considered downright SISSY.
  13. The wrought iron bars on windows in Detroit are NOT ornamental. “DON’T get out of your car.”
  14. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says “Keep honking, I’m reloading.”
  15. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 60 mph zone, people are not waving “because they are so friendly in Detroit.” I would suggest you duck.
  16. I-275/I-696 is our daily version of NASCAR.
  17. You must go a quarter of a mile out of your way to make a left hand turn. If you want to turn left, go past your turn, get to the left, then make a left, then make a right. NOW you have gone left.
  18. It’s not M-10, it’s “the Lodge.”
  19. That’s not a lake, it’s a pothole. Lakes are much smaller than potholes.
  20. If someone tells you it’s on Outer Drive, get a map.

Once again sent to me via email by that lovely mistress of forwarded humor, Diane.

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