Natalie rips on HalloWitness.

Natalie stumbled across this website by a conservative Christian group out to reclaim Halloween from the Forces of EvilTM and proceeds to put forth a rant that makes my eyes mist up with pride!

pickle juice | raged and obtuse

    One way to let your fellow Christians know that you are offering a Christ-friendly Halloween experience by displaying a Jesus-o-lantern (a hollowed pumpkin carved with a cross). Not only will your neighbors see it, but any Christians visiting your neighborhood with their kids on Halloween will know that your house is a safe one to let their children go to.

Yep – there’s nothing quite like a flaming vegetable with its’ flesh hacked out in the shape of the vehicle of Christ’s demise to scream, “Christians are welcome here!!!”

The issue here isn’t the fact that he’s just ponied up to the fact that, yes, there are some mighty fine Christians who let their kids trick-or-treat. The thing that caught my eye was the caption under the cross-carved pumpkin – “Share your faith with carved vegetables!” I think that’s just good livin’ any time of the year, don’t you?

Oh man my sides still hurt from laughing on this one! Scathing AND funny I’m left with nothing to add ‘cause she already says everything I would have and then some.

18 thoughts on “Natalie rips on HalloWitness.

  1. Something in the back of my head is saying that that site is another parody, certainly not up to the Betty Bowers/Landover Baptist standard, but a parody nonetheless. Although given the comic potential of fundamentalist anythingism, it’s hard to tell at times.

    I fully expect, though, to see jeebus punkins here in West MI.


  2. It does seem to smack just a wee bit of parody, doesn’t it? Funny as hell, nonetheless.

    “Hand out Bible tracts instead of candy!” Yeah, and while you’re at it, save some time and go ahead and egg your own house.

  3. Oh no. This means that my neighbors will have *yet* *another* excuse to set up their nativity scene even freakin’ earlier… I could cry. I really could… 🙁

  4. I really do hope it is a parody, but I’ve read about this sort of thing too many times in past years to jump to that conclusion. Hell, I’ve bumped into people as a kid who tried to do that very thing when we showed up at their door trick or treating…

  5. Would a pumpkin with a cross carved into it look like a flaming cross? The last time I remember a flaming cross is not a good thing. Especially if you are on the recieving end of one.

  6. I have a hunch as well that this is a parody.  Not only is every paragraph in the story laughably over the top, but the adjoining page on shutting down the Landover site is even moreso.

    Can’t confirm it, but I hate to think that there are people truly this clueless as to their self-parodizing.

  7. It may be a parody, but it’s still a reality among these parts.  I know several people in Houston that could have written that same article.  Scary, but true.

    I still can’t decide – should I dress up as “Pre-Fall Eve” or “Salome with John the Baptist’s Head” this year?

  8. See, I didn’t see parody at all – I’ve known WAY too many people like this.  I dunno – a lot of people have been trying to debunk it for over three, four years now and it hasn’t been done, so.  I don’t know; take from it what you will.

    But there most certainly are many, many people just like that in the world, regardless of the authenticity of the page itself.

    I was already planning on being a Sodomite for Halloween, though – they totally stole my idea!

  9. I can’t believe some of you guys. How can anybody read the Hallowitness website link and think it is a cleverly contrived parody? I’m willing to bet a years supply of Mini Almond Joys to anyone who can prove it’s a parody. Ya can’t, so everyone give me a years supply of that candy I mentioned. Honestly, some of you are so gullible. It’s for real people and now the freaks behind it have gone too far. After modifying the reasons for celebrating, or creating Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Saint Valentines Day, Saint Patrick’s Day and Good Friday, is it so hard to imagine that they would love to own Halloween too? About the only pagan holiday left is Earth Day and I predict it will soon become a celebration of “Flat Earth Created in Six Days Day.”
    I say we should counter their candy messages with messages of our own, such as “Save a child: incarcerate a priest” or “Christians males have little penises” or “Jesus was a bastard” You know, uplifting stuff like that. And we can carve a “No Christians allowed” message in that punkin. Then again, why not just ask the trick or treaters if any of them are Christians. Give the ones who say they are black Easter eggs or packets of Tums or something equally disappointing. They just might begin to get the real message.

  10. One of my friends in college was fond of pointing out to people that Jesus was a black, socialist arab jew.

    I personally wouldn’t say “bastard” though, as I think that a divine metamorphasis to mortal form transcends normal social mores regarding “legitimate” conception. ymmv. smile

  11. Oh sure, the old “divine metamorphosis gets out of jail free” card.  Remind me not to play Monopoly with YOU!

  12. I dunno, I think the whole definition rests on whether the parents were married at the time. As far as I know Mary was still married to Joseph at the time she conceived God’s ultimate love child so not only is Jesus a bastard, but Mary is an adulterer (assuming she was a willing recipient) or a rape victim (if she was unwilling). Could you imagine the lawsuit such a thing could prompt today??

    GOD: I swear to you that at no time did I engage in sexual relations with that woman. Honest. Trust me. I’m God.

    I wonder what kind of child support payments she could have gotten out of the almighty.

  13. Hey, I have some sensitivity to appropriateness. The one message example I gave was going to read: “Christians have small penises – even the women!” I thought about it and decided no one would believe that a Christian could be hermaphroditic. God just doesn’t do that to the good guys. Any extra reproductive organ would be considered a manifestation of a partial likeness of Jesus and as such: a miracle.
    I can just see the people lining up to adore the Holy penis.
    There’s a lot of humor potential in this subject, as Les and nowiser so aptly demonstrated. LMAO

    PS If you don’t hear anything further from me it’s because I was struck by lightning. If any remarks deserve divine retribution, mine probably do.

  14. You could always dress up as the Holy Ghost and carry around your Jesus-o-lantern.  Make sure you stop by the local ACLU and hand out some Testamints.

    You’ll be a hit!

  15. Haha, those crazy Christians. Happy Samhain everyone! Pagans have more fun than Christians, and even though I’m an atheist, I’d rather go to a pagan party, because they probably give better candy and I don’t have to feel guilty eating it either!

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