Spanking the monkey not only feels good, it’s good for you!

Used to be playing with your one-eyed Johnson was said to lead to hairy palms or cause blindness. Now a new study seems to indicate that frequent masturbation, particularly in your 20’s, actually lowers your risk of developing prostate cancer.

Masturbating Lowers Prostate Cancer Risk – Study

They suspect that frequent ejaculation has a protective effect against the cancer because it prevents dangerous carcinogens from building up in the gland.

“The more you flush the ducts out, the less there is to hang around and damage the cells that line them,” Graham Giles, of the Cancer Council Victoria in Melbourne, told New Scientist magazine on Wednesday.

In a survey of 1,079 prostate cancer patients and 1,259 healthy men, Giles and his team discovered that men who ejaculated more than five times a week in their 20s were a third less likely to develop an aggressive form of the disease.

So the next time you young guys out there feel a little guilty about pulling on your sausage just remind yourself that you’re actually promoting good health in your future!

14 thoughts on “Spanking the monkey not only feels good, it’s good for you!

  1. Woo Hoo! I finally have an excuse… I mean, I will take that under advisement.

  2. Les, I just read the title to this entry (I’m gonna try to come back later and read the body) but then again I may stop reading you altogether. I don’t agree with what you’re apparently advocating and I think PETA may want to talk to you concerning this spanking of monkeys!!!

  3. Ok…I apologize. I went back and read the entry, and well, obviously I posted too soon. But it’s weird that you covered this piece, as I can really relate. When I was about 10 years old, I loved to climb trees all day. I often begged my dad to buy a monkey to climb them with and felt, since I had no brothers and 4 older sisters, it was the least he could do. On my next birthday my mom’s brother found this one-eyed monkey that the circus wanted to find a home for, because he was getting old and, well, he had lost that one eye in an accident. Long story short, he became mine and I named him after my uncle who’s last name is Johnson. “One eyed Johnson” and I spent a couple of very happy years together until I had to give him up. He constantly embarrassed the family by masturbating in front of my sisters and any new boyfriends they brought home. He was shameless and messy but I loved him and it scared me to think that either of us could get in so much trouble for doing that. We heard later that soon after leaving us he died of prostate cancer. Just in case this story isn’t weird enough yet, my first summer job was at this small sausage company pulling and twisting sausages as they formed. My friends used to kid that I got paid to pull my sausage all day. In memory of “One eyed Johnson”, I loved ya guy. You taught me so much. 








  4. Wow, Brock, that is one seriously fucked up story you’ve got there. You could probably make some money if you turned that into a Very Special Mini-Series for ABC. :doh:

  5. Having been taught how to do it by watching One-Eyed Johnson, I have to agree more quickly than some that it’s true we cum from monkeys. I did at least. That’s it, I promise!

  6. Hey, I just finished watching Gods and Generals and I think Brocks tale would have made a better movie.

  7. Ok Eric, you, and Les convinced me it should be a movie. However, it might be a good idea to update the character of the self-loving, boldly demonstrative “One-eyed Johnson”. I plan on re-naming the monkey “One-eyed Bush”. To help establish his identity as a modern day Messiah and all-around good pet, I’ll have him travel to Iraq and find WMD hidden in two of the seven trees there. If anyone has other ideas on how to lend immediacy to the story, bring them on!

  8. I love to spank my monkey. He got used to regular spankings when he was just 10 years old!

  9. I think spanking your monkey is perfectly normal, and if it lowers the risk of cancer right on!  Guys that arent affraid to admit they masturbate are sexy and I would do them all!

  10. So whatever became of that plot Brock? Don’t tell me you never got around to finishing it. It has such promise.

  11. Iono Chazzy. About the only thing true about my “One-Eyed Johnson” story is that I wanted a monkey badly when I was a kid. I lived in trees anyway and the bragging right would have been phenomenal. Oh and I do have four older sisters who were constantly bringing boyfriends home and I’d have to be on my best behavior. Yeah, like that ever happened.

    Is it sexy to admit you masturbate as Brittany suggests? More so probably if you do it on cam. Who would have thought that cams would contribute to lessening the risks of prostate cancer? You gotta admire those who administer therapy in front of the world. They are so inspiring.

    Maybe there IS an ABC mini-series in my story somewhere – for Bizarro World children.
    “Me am Bizarro Superman and me learned how to masturbate from watching a monkey.”

    Note: This was one of my first entries at SEB. I didn’t know how to act then. Obviously I still don’t sometimes.

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