I’m flattered, but it’s obviously not true. The world would make a shitload more sense if I were God. Or at least there would be a lot more justice.
You see as God I wouldn’t be content with just sitting back and saying “Be good or I’ll throw your ass into a lake of fire!” There’d be no doubt about my existence because anytime someone seriously violated one of my rules I’d materialize in front of them and give them a solid bitch-slapping as a reminder. “What the FUCK part of ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ do you not understand?” would probably be a commonly heard phrase from me if I were God. Followed by the sounds of a divine pummeling. By the same token anyone who did something particularly selfless and worthy of praise would get a certificate of Good Citizenship, an exclusive dinner out with me and a coupon redeemable for wonderful prizes from participating retailers.
I know this because I’ve played the game Black and White. Wherein I set out to be an Evil God, but somehow ended up being a Good one anyway, at least by whatever standards the game uses. My creature in that game was often the most direct recipient of my divine wrath or praise and he’d be the first to tell you, if he could speak, that I’m not the sort of God to sit around and make idle threats.
Anyway, that’s how we can all be reasonably sure I’m not really God. The fact that certain types of people actually exist at all (read: anyone who’s eager to appear on Jerry Springer and the people responsible for creating the show) is proof positive that I’m not God as I would’ve had a special target-selective world-wide flood to wipe them out long ago. For many of you, this probably comes as a sigh of relief.