Darkness Reloaded.

As of tomorrow it will have been three months since the death of my close friend Bill Owen. I’d managed to emerge from the darkness this event brought into my life several weeks back and I thought that the wound had scabbed over pretty well by now, but some wounds just cut too deep. What triggers those relapses into melancholy, though, will often times catch you by surprise.

For me it was the release of The Matrix Reloaded. More specifically, it was the mixed reviews the movie has gotten from some folks. Bill and I both loved the first movie and we’d pull it out at random just to watch the beauty that is the lobby scene again and again. We sat and yapped back and forth at each other about the movie at length on everything from the deeper philosophical undertones it had to what cool things we’d do if we were in the Matrix and could hack the code. Most of the time our discussions weren’t particularly profound, we just both loved the movie and loved to argue with each other.

The fact that the sequel isn’t living up to the hype for some people brought me a familiar impulse that I couldn’t act on. I wanted to pick up the phone and call Bill. Ask if he’d seen it yet or if he’d read any of the less-than-stellar reviews. Make arrangements to see it with him with plenty of time afterward to babble at length about what we liked and didn’t. It’s something I’d done with him countless times over the course of 20+ years. Nothing momentous about this, but the stuff that cherished memories are made of.

I didn’t expect the release of a film that I’d be looking forward to so eagerly to bring back the pain of Bill’s death, but in thinking about it I remember how geeked he was that there were two sequels coming down the pipe. Two more potentially cherished memories with him that’ll never happen. You could say I had my own personal Motor City Emotional Meltdown on the way into work yesterday. The sting is still there this morning.

4 thoughts on “Darkness Reloaded.

  1. I’ve had similar things happen in regards to my father’s death last autumn. I never know when something might trigger a wave of emotions.

    It isn’t easy, I know.

  2. I read all of the posts on this so far (I think) and I simply cannot express the right words of condolence.

    My mother, when my step-father passed away, had what she called “an entire year of moments.”  A whole year of “firsts” without him.  Grief like that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

    I hope life feels good for you again, soon.

  3. Thanks for the kind words, Margi. I suspect I’ll spend the next year having similar experiences. Not like I haven’t been through this before, but past experience in this sort of thing rarely brings any comfort in the present.

    Overall life is good and I spend more time in the light than the dark so I know time will heal this wound as it has so many others. I’m grateful for the time I did get with Bill and I’m definitely a better person for having known him. It’s also brought home how special the friends I currently have are to me and so I’ve tried to make it a point to let them know a little more often.

    Fuck ‘em if they think I’m being too sappy, I’m going to tell them anyway. grin That’s a joke. I’m kidding, really.

  4. You don’t know me from Neo, but by all means ignore the critics and go see The Matrix Unloaded (again).  I have been acting as an unoffical apologist for the movie on Epinions.com, as too many of the critics didn’t ponder much the delightful points, let alone discuss them with their respective Bills. 

    Here is one of the big secrets that you and your Bill may have figured out, given time, and that in knowing it may help ease the pain of his parting:

      The “why” = Love

    If this is even an equivalancy relationship, by watching the movie again in tribute to him, reveling in the the beauty that is now on the philosophical as well as cinematographical level, it may help with the scabs.


    P.S.  I dropped by for your squib on Jefferson’s Syllabus.  Thank you.

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