Saint Goncalo, hear my prayer and cure my swollen ass!

Gotta love news stories like Sick pin hopes on bare bottoms.

HAEMORRHOID sufferers are flocking to a church in central Portugal in the belief they will be cured by exposing their afflicted behinds to the statue of a local saint.

The suffering faithful in Murtosa, 250 km north of Lisbon, attribute Saint Goncalo with the power to cure the condition, the Jornal de Noticias reported.

Yes, people are actually going to a church and rubbing their naked asses against a statue in hopes of reducing that painful swelling. Apparently there is some shortage of Preparation H in Portugal.

At least Saint Giles gets to be Patron Saint of Breast Feeding, along with about two dozen other things it would seem. I wonder if nursing mothers are rubbing their bare breasts up against Giles’ statue? It gets better though.

The 13th-century priest also has a reputation for curing acne and helping women find husbands.

I suppose acne could be considered a form of facial hemorrhoid and many men can be as painful as a swollen ass so I can see how the same Saint can be responsible with helping folks with all three of those things. But this next part, well, I just don’t understand:

Saint Goncalo has a loyal local following. Every June, during a festival in his honour in the northern town of Amarante, unmarried men and women exchange penis-shaped cakes as tokens of their affection.

SHE: Is that a penis-shaped cake in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

HE: Ummmm. Both?

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