I am tired…

…I should probably be in bed already. Instead, I’ve been sitting here with my lovely wife figuring out just how much spare cash I’ve got to work with for Christmas. I only got maybe 4 hours sleep last night and I’m looking at a mere 6 tonight. Assuming I stop typing this soon and go to bed and fall asleep quickly.

We figure we’ve got enough cash for this to be a thin, but decent Christmas overall. Yet somehow I’m having trouble staying beyond the clutches of a last-minute holiday funk. This is the first year I’ve ever had a problem with depression around the holidays as I’m usually ridiculously over-geeked at this point in time. It’s not so much the belt-tightening itself that’s bothering me, though it doesn’t help my mood much, as much as the slowly dawning realization that I really do suck at decorating for the holidays and as much as I may try I don’t think I’ll ever leave my daughter with the warm feelings I associate with this holiday.

Time is another issue. My life moves too quickly these days. Less than 15 days before the Big C and I’ve got exactly three presents so far. Between day-to-day life and the usual visiting that takes place this time of year I’m quickly running out of shopping days. Every year I vow to get all this crap out of the way in November, particularly on the day after Thanksgiving, but I never seem to have the money even with a Christmas Club savings account.

Of course, none of these issues is Earth shattering and in the great scheme of things I have very few problems that really deserve being depressed about and I know all of this on a lower level. I’m hoping this is just cause I’m overly tired and cranky. I’m going to go to bed now and hope that I feel better come the morning.

10 thoughts on “I am tired…

  1. Maybe if you set a holiday tradition, something other than gifts, you could still have something more important to impart to your daughter.

    Shopping for a toy to take to a toy drive, or driving to see Christmas lights, or making a gratitude list to read the next Christmas?

  2. Thanks Robyn, those are all excellent ideas. The driving around looking at lights is one that we do already on a spur of the moment kind of thing and that has taken on a bit more significance this year since we started looking for houses with over-the-top decorations.

    The memories I was speaking of I don’t think I could recreate anyway. I was, of course, thinking back to my own childhood and the memories of tense anticipation as Christmas morning approached. Courtney didn’t come to live with me until she was nine so the years I’m thinking of were spent with her mother. Her childhood has been much different than my own and that’s a fact I can’t change.

    Doesn’t stop me from wishing I could still do it. Thank you for the other ideas, though, they are good ones I’ll have to plan on trying.

  3. I know how you feel. Having grown up in a nuclear family, then transferred to a double-step with kids here and there and step-kids and non-custodial kids, it’s hard. I always felt like I was letting them down somehow. We’ve never had much, but now that I ask my teens about it, they say it’s all about the moments. They remember some special gifts, but mostly they remember the time spent together, and the vibe. Hope this helps. Kris.

  4. Sigh. I worry about presents and rent and bills and the new job. But, you can’t let it keep you up too late. You have to just do your everyday things and know that things work out the way they’re supposed to. Call it Faith. Call it optimism. Call it fucking nuts. It helps.

  5. I take solace in the knowledge that things always change. Sometimes they get better, sometimes they get worse, but where I will be tomorrow is not where I am today so there is always hope. It serves me pretty well for the most part. Still, there comes those days where it all just gets to be a bit overwhelming. I try not to dwell on it too much and I remind myself that I am only human.

    Then I try to take a good long nap.

  6. Well, having been desperately poor (lived in a tent for a month) and quite comfortably well-off in this lifetime, I can tell you from experience that having a shitload of “stuff” for Christmas is vastly over-rated. My kids remember fondly the Christmas that we couldn’t afford a tree, so I made one out of posterboard, and we decorated it. They don’t remember any other tree. Hmmm….
    And as for thinking that having plenty of money would make it easier to buy everything and be all set to go-well, I’m afraid that the list gets longer with the more money you have, and nothing ever seems like “enough”. So there you are, the day after Christmas, wondering how in the hell you didn’t get everything done that you promised yourself you would. Money can’t buy happiness, and I can tell from your writings that you are an intelligent fellow. So here’s my advice, for what it’s worth. Go bake some cookies with your daughter, and have a flour fight while you’re at it! There is always something that our kids want us to do with them, whether playing a game, or some other activity. Usually, we’re “too tired” or “not right now honey, I’m too busy”. So, just once, go ask HER if she’s free to play that game. And for good measure, read (or re-read) the “Little House on the Prairie” books. Reading how excited Laura was over getting a tin cup, a piece of candy and a penny for Christmas can really can make you re-think things. Sorry this is a novel, but it’s a subject I’ve thought long and hard on. Oh, and thanks for the link to the Christmas Kittens!

  7. Hi, I ran across your page quite by accident, but I do have a comment.  My children are grown, my “baby” married just this last May.  You may be instilling Christmas memories into your daughter without knowing it—good memories. My 3 grown children still get so excited at Christmas time it is wonderful! Two boys and a girl, and my oldest son has two stepchildren that are the greatest kids God has made in decades! They all want to decorate, shop, give, sing, cook, dance, play games all of it, it makes me feel great. It is hard when they are all gone, and this has been a lousy year for me, I lost my brother last Dec. 29, lost my job in July, lost my Mom in August, the bill collectors are calling daily and my nerves are shot, but Christmas and the fun of it has saved me from thinking about everything else instead of letting everything else dampen my Christmas. Switch it around and let Christmas be your brightening agent! Play a game that is geared to the Holidays or go for a scavenger hunt together to find Christmas items. Make a list before you leave the house, go for a “see the lights” ride and check for items on your list while you are out.  It makes it a little more interesting thing to do on the ride. Have fun this Holiday and be happy! CompuMom

  8. I’m having a great time this year. This entry you’re commenting on is from a year ago when things weren’t going so well. grin

    This year we’re ahead of the game and managed to finish almost all our shopping in November prior to Thanksgiving. The holiday funk I slipped into last year isn’t troubling me now. Thanks for the words of encouragement though.

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