If Lord Of The Rings were Everquest.

I came across this awhile back and meant to post it then, but forgot until just recently when I stumbled across it again. It will mean nothing to anyone who isn’t both a fan of LOTR and a current or ex-player of Everquest. If you qualify then read on.

SCENE: Rivendell. Elrond is studying.

GANDALF: Ach! Damn it!

ELROND: Gandalf! Where did you come from? … You’re naked.

GANDALF: Stupid halflings who can’t play their class, that’s what happened.

ELROND: What? Where?

GANDALF: Moria. We were in the safe hall at Balin’s Tomb and Aragorn was going to pull some orcs to clear the way to the zoneout.

ELROND: Which halfling messed it up? Frodo?

GANDALF: No, it was Pippin. I didn’t even want to bring him along but Frodo did insist. Aragorn was going to pull some orcs but out comes Pippin to ‘see what Aragorn was doing’ and manages to aggro half the zone.

ELROND: So you got wiped out by a horde of orcs? Yuck.

GANDALF: Oh, no. They were green to most of us, so we cut through them all right. I was impressed by Legolas’ bow crits. But then the Cave Troll got aggroed.

ELROND: But there were nine of you, you could have handled the cave troll.

GANDALF: Oh, and we did. Except Frodo didn’t know how to manage aggro properly. The troll started beating on him.

ELROND: Oh, no. Poor Frodo.

GANDALF: No, actually, Frodo was fine. He had a mithril chain tunic on.

ELROND: Jeez, just because he’s friends with Bilbo, does Bilbo have to twink him like that?

GANDALF: Yeah, no kidding. So the troll ran and Pippin of course forgets to snare.

ELROND: Aragorn’s a ranger, why didn’t he snare?

GANDALF: He was our main tank and was busy keeping the orcs aggroed on him. Pippin was just sleeping on the job. So the troll ran, and before we finally cut him down, he chain aggroed the Balrog.

ELROND: Oh, no. Stupid halfling dr00ds.

GANDALF: Yeah. So naturally, I decided to take it on the chin. I told everyone to run and I tried to hold off the Balrog by rooting him.

ELROND: And he got you.

GANDALF: No, actually, I had my shield up, and I just chain-nuked him.

ELROND: You SOLOED the Balrog? Wow.

GANDALF: Yeah, one hell of an XP hit too. But then when he fell, I turned and slipped off the ledge. I 10Ked when I hit the bottom of the Balrog pit. Didn’t even have chance to loot his corpse. And there went the XP from the orcs, the troll, AND the Balrog. Stupid Verant.

ELROND: Your corpse is in the bottom of the Balrog pit?

GANDALF: Yeah. But no worries, I think I know a way to drag it out of there.

ELROND: That’s good.

GANDALF: So, can I bum a SoW off you for a CR? I want to get back there before the Balrog respawns.

ELROND: This is Rivendell. We’re high elves. The wood elves are in Lothlorien.

GANDALF: Nadgers. Which is where we were headed in the first place. Oh well, I’m a wizard at least, and there’s a portal not too far from there.

ELROND: Good luck on your CR. Why were you hanging out with those noobs anyway?

GANDALF: I promised Frodo I’d powerlevel him in exchange for him completing the Cracks of Doom quest with me. He has the quest piece – the One Ring.

ELROND: That’s NO DROP, isn’t it.


ELROND: What do you get for completing that quest?

GANDALF: Robe of the White and Staff of the White. Those would be serious upgrades to my Grey robe and staff. I’ve had this gear for way too many levels anyway.


GANDALF: Anyway, I’d better go. Do you think you could get someone to go to the Moria zone to rez me once I get my corpse pulled there?

ELROND: I’ll try to find a guildie.

GANDALF: Thanks.

4 thoughts on “If Lord Of The Rings were Everquest.

  1. lol. thats pretty funny. i havent played everquest (or seen it or whatever), i dont know what it is, but its still funny. i assume a video game of some kind? thats pretty funny. smile

  2. The only sad thing about Lord of the Rings is that ITS OVER! 🙁  You have to wish there was another book!  All we have to hope for now is a HOBBIT movie..

  3. Lol! This is halarious! I’m both a LotR and EQ addict, and this was pure candy. (posting with my character’s name)

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